4/14/2006
Well, its been a while, thanks to all sorts of stuff going awry, so lets go for a month recap....
a week before the end of March, someone broke into my car, stole my mp3 player, a gas mileage book, and my speeding ticket that i got in January (which will no doubt be a future issue to rant about)
so, i've had probably around $350 worth of costs related getting back on track from that now. which has been plesant and fun.
karl and i camped out at caltech on tuesday of last week to get tickets to see stephen hawking, who again was very very interesting. this time he was talking about how time can have a beginning, and he had some very good points on it. which of course he would, cuz he's freaking stephen hawking.
the past week has been spring break.... but it has been far busier than i'm used to. last weekend, was first a housewarming party for bryan and nate on saturday, then sunday was a physics thing..mostly drinking, but i still showed up. social hanger-on that i am. monday....i can't remember...i think i did something. tuesday, i went to go get a copy of my ticket that had been stolen....so that was fun to have to drive out to pasadena and back. tuesday was a city election to vote in. wednesday, tom and i went to disneyland for about 6 hours...spent most of the time in DCA to avoid the more crowded areas, like Disneyland proper. the pins are becoming too much of a thing with me. Today, didn't really do much of anything till this evening, when I went out to dinner with Sita, who's up here for spring break. and then now, i'm putting off working on an application to Griffith Observatory that my mom has done an excellent job in convincing me to stop trying for it. Granted, that wasn't the intent.
Of late, i've been falling downward into what I'd consider another bout of depression, i think. most prominant is that i don't really know why i'm bothering with what i'm doing because i lack that feeling of direction with my life. i don't know where i'm going, or what i'll do careerwise. i still don't feel like i should be trying to get internships because i don't feel qualified enough, based on both classes taken and grades. which isn't to say the grades are outright bad... just that i don't feel like i deserve to be doing anything yet. on top of that, i've got issues from my past coming back to me again. things that i've tried to get over and can't. some of them are emotional issues that i can't shake. more concerning is that my stresses are coming back. i don't think i've felt tensions this strong since high school, and it has me concerned a bit. i really don't want to fall back into the rhythm of nervous breakdowns and the like i had back then.
i'm not entirly sure why that all is coming back, either. i think a big part is my mom trying to reassert control on my life again with the griffith application and stuff, but that doesn't explain it all away. i speculate that the key issue is that its from basicly, not having the same interpersonal interactions i'd had going. socially speaking, i've not had all that much going on up here the last while, plus the line stuff has been dwindling more and more, plus online stuff has been either quiet or painful, mostly, plus i'm still an outsider at school. generally speaking, i know that its my own fault that i'm not the sort of person people prefer to have around. or in some cases outright revile. i just can't force myself to be someone i'm not and be ok with it, the side effect being that i'm just really not around people much. which, i guess is a part of who i am as well. still, its not without its drawbacks in that social situations are helpful from time to time. granted, that also assumes taht i can do so sans paranoia, which is also on the rise. the whole matter has just added to make teh whole thing fun. Man I hate spring. Stuff always goes wrong in it.
a week before the end of March, someone broke into my car, stole my mp3 player, a gas mileage book, and my speeding ticket that i got in January (which will no doubt be a future issue to rant about)
so, i've had probably around $350 worth of costs related getting back on track from that now. which has been plesant and fun.
karl and i camped out at caltech on tuesday of last week to get tickets to see stephen hawking, who again was very very interesting. this time he was talking about how time can have a beginning, and he had some very good points on it. which of course he would, cuz he's freaking stephen hawking.
the past week has been spring break.... but it has been far busier than i'm used to. last weekend, was first a housewarming party for bryan and nate on saturday, then sunday was a physics thing..mostly drinking, but i still showed up. social hanger-on that i am. monday....i can't remember...i think i did something. tuesday, i went to go get a copy of my ticket that had been stolen....so that was fun to have to drive out to pasadena and back. tuesday was a city election to vote in. wednesday, tom and i went to disneyland for about 6 hours...spent most of the time in DCA to avoid the more crowded areas, like Disneyland proper. the pins are becoming too much of a thing with me. Today, didn't really do much of anything till this evening, when I went out to dinner with Sita, who's up here for spring break. and then now, i'm putting off working on an application to Griffith Observatory that my mom has done an excellent job in convincing me to stop trying for it. Granted, that wasn't the intent.
Of late, i've been falling downward into what I'd consider another bout of depression, i think. most prominant is that i don't really know why i'm bothering with what i'm doing because i lack that feeling of direction with my life. i don't know where i'm going, or what i'll do careerwise. i still don't feel like i should be trying to get internships because i don't feel qualified enough, based on both classes taken and grades. which isn't to say the grades are outright bad... just that i don't feel like i deserve to be doing anything yet. on top of that, i've got issues from my past coming back to me again. things that i've tried to get over and can't. some of them are emotional issues that i can't shake. more concerning is that my stresses are coming back. i don't think i've felt tensions this strong since high school, and it has me concerned a bit. i really don't want to fall back into the rhythm of nervous breakdowns and the like i had back then.
i'm not entirly sure why that all is coming back, either. i think a big part is my mom trying to reassert control on my life again with the griffith application and stuff, but that doesn't explain it all away. i speculate that the key issue is that its from basicly, not having the same interpersonal interactions i'd had going. socially speaking, i've not had all that much going on up here the last while, plus the line stuff has been dwindling more and more, plus online stuff has been either quiet or painful, mostly, plus i'm still an outsider at school. generally speaking, i know that its my own fault that i'm not the sort of person people prefer to have around. or in some cases outright revile. i just can't force myself to be someone i'm not and be ok with it, the side effect being that i'm just really not around people much. which, i guess is a part of who i am as well. still, its not without its drawbacks in that social situations are helpful from time to time. granted, that also assumes taht i can do so sans paranoia, which is also on the rise. the whole matter has just added to make teh whole thing fun. Man I hate spring. Stuff always goes wrong in it.
