3/26/2005
My esssay on the Terri Schiavo situation. All parts are believed to be factually correct, but if you find any mistakes, please let me know
The media of late has taken focus on a case going on in Florida and turned it into a nation-wide issue, or at the very least, given it nationwide attention. The fate of Terri Schiavo, a woman that has been in a persistent vegetative state for the last 15 years, is now being discussed by pundits, news anchors, politicians, and religious/activist groups. There are three main elements to this case that are important to understanding just what the controversy is based on, and these are the medical, ethical, and legal circumstances that surround this case.
First and foremost is the medical situation. There is a large amount of confusion as to just what happened to Terri Schiavo. In 1990, Terri’s heart stopped due to a deficiency of potassium, one of the dangers associated with anorexia. This deprived Terri’s brain of oxygen long enough that her cerebral cortex was severely damaged and scarred, as CT scans of her brain have shown.
Here the different parts of the brain are very important. The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain where all higher thought functions take place. While localized damage to this part of the brain can be survived to some extent by having other portions of the brain take over tasks of the portion that was damaged, Terri has almost two-thirds of her cerebral cortex damaged. This has left her in what is called a persistent vegetative state, explained more thoroughly later on.
There are a few other medical conditions that are similar enough that Terri Schiavo has been compared to, but are inaccurate comparisons. The first is that it has been confused with other types of comas, where people do sometimes awaken after many years. However, the type of coma where this takes place are those that are in reaction to some sort of blunt head trauma. Only a small portion of the brain may actually be damaged, but the brain as a whole shuts down to protect itself. It may take years before the brain becomes conscious again, but there is no, or very little, physical damage. This is much like a computer that has frozen or been turned off, for example. The second type of coma, however, is caused by a massive loss of oxygen to the brain, such as what happened Terri Schiavo. In these cases, recovery is virtually unheard of, and it is assumed to be a permanent condition after 12 months in case of injury, and 3 months if from illness or heart attack. In fact, there is only one case of someone in a persistent vegetative state regaining consciousness.
Minneapolis police officer David Mack was shot twice in 1979 while on duty. He choked on his own vomit, and this caused him to lose oxygen to his brain and enter a persistent vegetative state. Twenty months later, Mack regained consciousness, something that doctors considered virtually impossible. However, the limit of recovery was that he was able to communicate using nods and an alphabet board, eventually dying a little over five years later. No one else has ever had the same condition and recovered.
Another comparison has been drawn between this and a stroke, and again, the areas of the brain affected are very critical. A double brain stem stroke affects the brain stem, which controls basic functions such as breathing. The cerebral cortex, however, is relatively undamaged, meaning that the person is still able to think, but they may be paralyzed. All the damage is physical, while mental capacity is relatively undamaged. A stroke in one portion of the brain itself also will have only limited effects, and the rest of the brain can still in many cases reprogram itself to take in the tasks of the damaged portion of the brain.
To explain further what a persistent vegetative state is, it can be considered as somewhere between a coma and fully brain-dead. With significant damage to the cerebral cortex, the ability to think and be aware of one’s surroundings is essentially destroyed. The most basic parts of the brain stem, however, are undamaged, allowing the person to perform basic functions, such as breathe and keep the heart beating. Because these lower functions are still intact, the person will still have some random behavior, including making sounds, movements, and going through a regular sleep cycle. While some of these actions do give the appearance of awareness, they are essentially just the body responding to random impulses and not any sign of actual awareness.
An additional charge to her medical condition is that this is not the same as, say, taking someone off a respirator, as this is not life support. However, a feeding tube is supporting her life by allowing her to get nutrients just as much as a respirator allows someone to breathe. She is still on a fashion of life support. Without the tube, her body will face starvation and dehydration over a period of a few weeks. Because she is not aware, however, and is not capable of higher level thought, she would not be able to experience any of the suffering or pain that would go along with her body shutting down from a lack of nutrients and water.
The second element is the ethical circumstances, which can be viewed as two separate issues, the first is the ethics of allowing someone to die, and the second is the specific ethical charges relating to the Terri Schiavo case, and more specifically, the allegations that her husband has faced.
In general, there is an ethical question as to how to treat those that are suffering, or being kept alive by artificial means. The practice of euthanasia has been very controversial, especially between factions that feel that people should have a choice on when to die versus those that believe that life is sacred. The practice of taking someone off of more frequent forms of life support, such as respirators, avoids some controversy, as that death takes only a matter of minutes. However, removing a feeding tube does take longer, and since it is not as quick, is viewed as being a much more agonizing death. An alternative to a long death would be some fashion of euthanasia, however to many that are pro-life, this is viewed as an impossible compromise.
The Schiavo case itself is substantially more complicated, as often the entire family can reach a consensus to end life support. However, Terri’s husband Michael Schiavo has been the one fighting to remove her from life support while her parents and siblings, the Schindlers, have been trying to keep the feeding tube in her. Her husband has argued that he is trying to honor what he says are her wishes, and that she would have not wanted to be kept alive via artificial means for this long. Her parents feel that she would want to stay alive.
This main ethical issue here is that ideally both sides are honestly doing what they believe Terri herself would have wanted and not acting out of any selfish measure. On her parents’ part, they may simply be acting protective over their daughter, even at a point where medically there is no hope for her.
Her husband has been the target of much more intense allegations, including that he is trying to have her feeding tube removed entirely for money, namely the million dollar malpractice suit that was won in Terri’s behalf. However, there is one substantial flaw in trying to make that claim against him. In order to preserve Terri’s life, various groups have offered him millions of dollars if he would simply turn over custody of Terri to her parents, walk away from the situation, and allow Teri to live. That he has continued to argue that she should be removed from life support in spite of the offers he has received is a clear indicator that his motivations are not based on money.
The final issue is the legal circumstances surrounding this case. On the most basic level, as her husband, Michael Schiavo has full legal authority to make decisions on her medical care when she is unable to do. Her being in a persistent vegetative state clearly falls under that classification. Had she a living will, which would state what she would want to happen in case she was relying on some fashion of life support to stay alive, that document would instead dictate her care. However, in the absence of that, it is her husband’s decision what happens. Legally, the parents have no say in the matter.
As her parents did file suit in order to keep the feeding tube in her, the case then went to court. A Florida court used testimony of her medical condition, as well as that of several people that discussed what Terri would have wanted to eventually reach the conclusion that the tube would, in fact, be removed. Her parents appealed, and the entire appeals process was eventually exhausted. Every court that has heard the case has agreed with Michael Schiavo’s right to choose to have the feeding tube removed and that that did seem to be in agreement with what Terri would have wanted as well. This led to the tube being removed on March 18th of this year, the 3rd time that this has happened. The two prior times were followed by additional appeals that got the tube reinserted until courts could hear the case.
Despite this procedure having been in accordance with all Florida state laws, Congress attempted to intervene by getting it an additional hearing on a federal level by passing an emergency bill. It is important to remember that this was an action led by Republicans in Congress, the same party that has traditionally argued for states rights, but have now seized the opportunity to try to make federal law and the federal judicial system trump state law. Of course, on the opposing side Democrats, typically supporters of federal law over the rights of individual states, have also been arguing that Florida law should not be challenged by a federal action. In essence both parties have shifted from their traditional viewpoints in a case that, based on its nature, could become intrinsically linked to the debate surrounding abortion.
Irregardless of political motivations, the action by Congress to subpoena Terri Schiavo (a subpoena means that no one is allowed to interfere with her being able to attend a meeting of Congress, and by extent, argue that the tube could not be removed as it would prevent her from attending) and then to pass a bill to have a federal judge examine a case that had already been through dozens of court cases presided over by several judges is a gross invasion by the federal government. The fact of the matter is that the Terri Schiavo case is a family situation that should not have gone further than the state level. If Congress felt that a change of policy was necessary, then they should have worked, at most, on bills that would change federal law as it relates to such cases. However, they chose instead to pass a bill that dealt with a single case, something that is extremely rare. The court system has done the job that it was designed to do, and it is not the place of Congress try to overrule those decisions in one specific case.
It is also outrageous that some have argued that removing her feeding tube is essentially the same as murder. While one could try to simply argue over the ethics, by simple definition this is not. Were some fashion of euthanasia to be used, then it could very well fall under the definition of murder, albeit one that could also be considered a mercy killing or something of a similar nature with a less coldhearted connotation. However, plain and simple, she is not being killed. She is being allowed to die by a natural means, as had it not been for the feeding tube in the first place she would have died 15 years ago shortly after she first entered the persistent vegetative state.
The condition that has befallen Terri Schiavo is no doubt a heart-breaking one, and is something that has been difficult for all those that were close to her to come to terms with. However, based on the medical circumstances, Terri Schiavo is not a 41-year old in a hospice bed in Florida slowly being killed by an equivalent of state-sanctioned murder. That is simply a shell of a person being allowed to die. Terri Schiavo is, instead, a 26-year old that died under tragic situations in 1990 when she lost oxygen to her brain and anything that defined who she was died then.
That the media has turned this into a national spectacle and politicians from both sides of the aisle have used this to push political agendas is disgraceful. Terri Schiavo deserves to have her wishes respected, to the best that can be managed, and court after court have found that to do so, the feeding tube needs to be removed. She also deserves a dignified death, and not one that has an entire nation watching as she slowly wastes away. Perhaps this is even a situation that will one day make a strong case for euthanasia in some cases so that patients of extremely severe conditions do not die slowly over a period of weeks, even if they are not able to be aware of what their body is going through. That politicians have so quickly discarded the basic tenets of their respective parties is especially unnerving, and the strong links that this puts between many Republican Congressmen and the Religious Right is a disconcerting thought, as policy is being driven by a relative minority of the vote, and a relatively extreme group at that. It is also worth noting that the Senate passed the legislation to have a federal judge examine the case unanimously, I believe, showing no opposition from the Democrats in the Senate. Again, that party has failed to be a sufficient voice of opposition.
Congress, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, and President George W. Bush have all far overstepped the limits on their powers, and that Congress feels it has the right to intrude to decide the life of a particular person in a case like this is a very worrisome thought if the situation were ever to be reversed and they were to feel that someone should be removed from life support, even if the person had made statements to the contrary.
The actions some people have taken to preserve what semblance of a life Terri still retains have also been worthy of concern. One man has been arrested for offering to kill both the presiding judge that allowed the feeding tube to be removed and Michael Schiavo. Another person was arrested for being near the hospice where Terri is presently located with a gun and a plan to “rescue” Terri. Perhaps the worst acts are those of the parents that have used their children to further their ideology. Of the now eight people that have been arrested by police for trespassing while trying to take Terri water, three of them have been children. One ten-year-old boy and two girls, thirteen-year-old twins, have been arrested, and that parents would use their children to make a statement is absolutely repulsive.
Terri Schiavo deserved to have been allowed to die without being placed in the national spotlight, and the right to choose to not be kept on life support should be defended. I wouldn’t want to spend 15 years in a hospital bed as a shell of who I once was with no ability to think and no hope of recovery, to then have my death making national headlines as people who had no knowledge of me argued over me to further their own agendas, turning me into a talking point and not a person. Would you?
The media of late has taken focus on a case going on in Florida and turned it into a nation-wide issue, or at the very least, given it nationwide attention. The fate of Terri Schiavo, a woman that has been in a persistent vegetative state for the last 15 years, is now being discussed by pundits, news anchors, politicians, and religious/activist groups. There are three main elements to this case that are important to understanding just what the controversy is based on, and these are the medical, ethical, and legal circumstances that surround this case.
First and foremost is the medical situation. There is a large amount of confusion as to just what happened to Terri Schiavo. In 1990, Terri’s heart stopped due to a deficiency of potassium, one of the dangers associated with anorexia. This deprived Terri’s brain of oxygen long enough that her cerebral cortex was severely damaged and scarred, as CT scans of her brain have shown.
Here the different parts of the brain are very important. The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain where all higher thought functions take place. While localized damage to this part of the brain can be survived to some extent by having other portions of the brain take over tasks of the portion that was damaged, Terri has almost two-thirds of her cerebral cortex damaged. This has left her in what is called a persistent vegetative state, explained more thoroughly later on.
There are a few other medical conditions that are similar enough that Terri Schiavo has been compared to, but are inaccurate comparisons. The first is that it has been confused with other types of comas, where people do sometimes awaken after many years. However, the type of coma where this takes place are those that are in reaction to some sort of blunt head trauma. Only a small portion of the brain may actually be damaged, but the brain as a whole shuts down to protect itself. It may take years before the brain becomes conscious again, but there is no, or very little, physical damage. This is much like a computer that has frozen or been turned off, for example. The second type of coma, however, is caused by a massive loss of oxygen to the brain, such as what happened Terri Schiavo. In these cases, recovery is virtually unheard of, and it is assumed to be a permanent condition after 12 months in case of injury, and 3 months if from illness or heart attack. In fact, there is only one case of someone in a persistent vegetative state regaining consciousness.
Minneapolis police officer David Mack was shot twice in 1979 while on duty. He choked on his own vomit, and this caused him to lose oxygen to his brain and enter a persistent vegetative state. Twenty months later, Mack regained consciousness, something that doctors considered virtually impossible. However, the limit of recovery was that he was able to communicate using nods and an alphabet board, eventually dying a little over five years later. No one else has ever had the same condition and recovered.
Another comparison has been drawn between this and a stroke, and again, the areas of the brain affected are very critical. A double brain stem stroke affects the brain stem, which controls basic functions such as breathing. The cerebral cortex, however, is relatively undamaged, meaning that the person is still able to think, but they may be paralyzed. All the damage is physical, while mental capacity is relatively undamaged. A stroke in one portion of the brain itself also will have only limited effects, and the rest of the brain can still in many cases reprogram itself to take in the tasks of the damaged portion of the brain.
To explain further what a persistent vegetative state is, it can be considered as somewhere between a coma and fully brain-dead. With significant damage to the cerebral cortex, the ability to think and be aware of one’s surroundings is essentially destroyed. The most basic parts of the brain stem, however, are undamaged, allowing the person to perform basic functions, such as breathe and keep the heart beating. Because these lower functions are still intact, the person will still have some random behavior, including making sounds, movements, and going through a regular sleep cycle. While some of these actions do give the appearance of awareness, they are essentially just the body responding to random impulses and not any sign of actual awareness.
An additional charge to her medical condition is that this is not the same as, say, taking someone off a respirator, as this is not life support. However, a feeding tube is supporting her life by allowing her to get nutrients just as much as a respirator allows someone to breathe. She is still on a fashion of life support. Without the tube, her body will face starvation and dehydration over a period of a few weeks. Because she is not aware, however, and is not capable of higher level thought, she would not be able to experience any of the suffering or pain that would go along with her body shutting down from a lack of nutrients and water.
The second element is the ethical circumstances, which can be viewed as two separate issues, the first is the ethics of allowing someone to die, and the second is the specific ethical charges relating to the Terri Schiavo case, and more specifically, the allegations that her husband has faced.
In general, there is an ethical question as to how to treat those that are suffering, or being kept alive by artificial means. The practice of euthanasia has been very controversial, especially between factions that feel that people should have a choice on when to die versus those that believe that life is sacred. The practice of taking someone off of more frequent forms of life support, such as respirators, avoids some controversy, as that death takes only a matter of minutes. However, removing a feeding tube does take longer, and since it is not as quick, is viewed as being a much more agonizing death. An alternative to a long death would be some fashion of euthanasia, however to many that are pro-life, this is viewed as an impossible compromise.
The Schiavo case itself is substantially more complicated, as often the entire family can reach a consensus to end life support. However, Terri’s husband Michael Schiavo has been the one fighting to remove her from life support while her parents and siblings, the Schindlers, have been trying to keep the feeding tube in her. Her husband has argued that he is trying to honor what he says are her wishes, and that she would have not wanted to be kept alive via artificial means for this long. Her parents feel that she would want to stay alive.
This main ethical issue here is that ideally both sides are honestly doing what they believe Terri herself would have wanted and not acting out of any selfish measure. On her parents’ part, they may simply be acting protective over their daughter, even at a point where medically there is no hope for her.
Her husband has been the target of much more intense allegations, including that he is trying to have her feeding tube removed entirely for money, namely the million dollar malpractice suit that was won in Terri’s behalf. However, there is one substantial flaw in trying to make that claim against him. In order to preserve Terri’s life, various groups have offered him millions of dollars if he would simply turn over custody of Terri to her parents, walk away from the situation, and allow Teri to live. That he has continued to argue that she should be removed from life support in spite of the offers he has received is a clear indicator that his motivations are not based on money.
The final issue is the legal circumstances surrounding this case. On the most basic level, as her husband, Michael Schiavo has full legal authority to make decisions on her medical care when she is unable to do. Her being in a persistent vegetative state clearly falls under that classification. Had she a living will, which would state what she would want to happen in case she was relying on some fashion of life support to stay alive, that document would instead dictate her care. However, in the absence of that, it is her husband’s decision what happens. Legally, the parents have no say in the matter.
As her parents did file suit in order to keep the feeding tube in her, the case then went to court. A Florida court used testimony of her medical condition, as well as that of several people that discussed what Terri would have wanted to eventually reach the conclusion that the tube would, in fact, be removed. Her parents appealed, and the entire appeals process was eventually exhausted. Every court that has heard the case has agreed with Michael Schiavo’s right to choose to have the feeding tube removed and that that did seem to be in agreement with what Terri would have wanted as well. This led to the tube being removed on March 18th of this year, the 3rd time that this has happened. The two prior times were followed by additional appeals that got the tube reinserted until courts could hear the case.
Despite this procedure having been in accordance with all Florida state laws, Congress attempted to intervene by getting it an additional hearing on a federal level by passing an emergency bill. It is important to remember that this was an action led by Republicans in Congress, the same party that has traditionally argued for states rights, but have now seized the opportunity to try to make federal law and the federal judicial system trump state law. Of course, on the opposing side Democrats, typically supporters of federal law over the rights of individual states, have also been arguing that Florida law should not be challenged by a federal action. In essence both parties have shifted from their traditional viewpoints in a case that, based on its nature, could become intrinsically linked to the debate surrounding abortion.
Irregardless of political motivations, the action by Congress to subpoena Terri Schiavo (a subpoena means that no one is allowed to interfere with her being able to attend a meeting of Congress, and by extent, argue that the tube could not be removed as it would prevent her from attending) and then to pass a bill to have a federal judge examine a case that had already been through dozens of court cases presided over by several judges is a gross invasion by the federal government. The fact of the matter is that the Terri Schiavo case is a family situation that should not have gone further than the state level. If Congress felt that a change of policy was necessary, then they should have worked, at most, on bills that would change federal law as it relates to such cases. However, they chose instead to pass a bill that dealt with a single case, something that is extremely rare. The court system has done the job that it was designed to do, and it is not the place of Congress try to overrule those decisions in one specific case.
It is also outrageous that some have argued that removing her feeding tube is essentially the same as murder. While one could try to simply argue over the ethics, by simple definition this is not. Were some fashion of euthanasia to be used, then it could very well fall under the definition of murder, albeit one that could also be considered a mercy killing or something of a similar nature with a less coldhearted connotation. However, plain and simple, she is not being killed. She is being allowed to die by a natural means, as had it not been for the feeding tube in the first place she would have died 15 years ago shortly after she first entered the persistent vegetative state.
The condition that has befallen Terri Schiavo is no doubt a heart-breaking one, and is something that has been difficult for all those that were close to her to come to terms with. However, based on the medical circumstances, Terri Schiavo is not a 41-year old in a hospice bed in Florida slowly being killed by an equivalent of state-sanctioned murder. That is simply a shell of a person being allowed to die. Terri Schiavo is, instead, a 26-year old that died under tragic situations in 1990 when she lost oxygen to her brain and anything that defined who she was died then.
That the media has turned this into a national spectacle and politicians from both sides of the aisle have used this to push political agendas is disgraceful. Terri Schiavo deserves to have her wishes respected, to the best that can be managed, and court after court have found that to do so, the feeding tube needs to be removed. She also deserves a dignified death, and not one that has an entire nation watching as she slowly wastes away. Perhaps this is even a situation that will one day make a strong case for euthanasia in some cases so that patients of extremely severe conditions do not die slowly over a period of weeks, even if they are not able to be aware of what their body is going through. That politicians have so quickly discarded the basic tenets of their respective parties is especially unnerving, and the strong links that this puts between many Republican Congressmen and the Religious Right is a disconcerting thought, as policy is being driven by a relative minority of the vote, and a relatively extreme group at that. It is also worth noting that the Senate passed the legislation to have a federal judge examine the case unanimously, I believe, showing no opposition from the Democrats in the Senate. Again, that party has failed to be a sufficient voice of opposition.
Congress, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, and President George W. Bush have all far overstepped the limits on their powers, and that Congress feels it has the right to intrude to decide the life of a particular person in a case like this is a very worrisome thought if the situation were ever to be reversed and they were to feel that someone should be removed from life support, even if the person had made statements to the contrary.
The actions some people have taken to preserve what semblance of a life Terri still retains have also been worthy of concern. One man has been arrested for offering to kill both the presiding judge that allowed the feeding tube to be removed and Michael Schiavo. Another person was arrested for being near the hospice where Terri is presently located with a gun and a plan to “rescue” Terri. Perhaps the worst acts are those of the parents that have used their children to further their ideology. Of the now eight people that have been arrested by police for trespassing while trying to take Terri water, three of them have been children. One ten-year-old boy and two girls, thirteen-year-old twins, have been arrested, and that parents would use their children to make a statement is absolutely repulsive.
Terri Schiavo deserved to have been allowed to die without being placed in the national spotlight, and the right to choose to not be kept on life support should be defended. I wouldn’t want to spend 15 years in a hospital bed as a shell of who I once was with no ability to think and no hope of recovery, to then have my death making national headlines as people who had no knowledge of me argued over me to further their own agendas, turning me into a talking point and not a person. Would you?
3/24/2005
end of the work week and i now have a good few days off. and next week is spring break for the high schools, so i only have school next week. so things seem to be progressing ok, i guess.
i hate feeling homesick. it really hurts my brain because the concept that i can feel that sitting around my house boggles the mind.
i really need something to do in general. rather than just feeling lonely. i mean, i'm not supposed to be lonely. i'm supposed to be a pillar of solitude. or something.
and.... i think that my comments don't work.
i hate feeling homesick. it really hurts my brain because the concept that i can feel that sitting around my house boggles the mind.
i really need something to do in general. rather than just feeling lonely. i mean, i'm not supposed to be lonely. i'm supposed to be a pillar of solitude. or something.
and.... i think that my comments don't work.
3/22/2005
sometimes i find myself regretting that i was too selfish in high school to just give in to when i was suicidal. i find myself looking back and realise that....my high school years were horrible, and yet quite possibly, also the high point of my life. no one told me bout that when i signed on to this gig.
at points it just gets so frustrating knowing that i'm my family's greatest failure and disappointment. its just...well i don't see a reason to put up with it. i mean.... i'm well aware that i'm going nowhere with my life right now, but i really don't feel like having my mom yell at me constantly about that. it really just emphasizes the point that just....i don't think i belong here. i always feel out of place. then again, at this point now, i don't think there is anywhere that i actually WOULD belong, so i'm out of luck there. honestly i think i just have a failure to comprehend life. least, i can't remember making a life decision, or really any decision, and feeling like it was the right one and then not had problems of some fashion arise. its just not worth it. i think i need a coma. a state where i can't keep causing problems for myself like i do.
the closest thing i have to an achievement is that i've alienated virtually every person i've ever known. and even that hasn't really been a thorough job done. though it hits closer to the problem.... that i'm cut off from everyone. i really don't have a group that i can hang out with. my doing, but still, fact remains. at least i got work and school stuff so that my spring break won't be a total waste. at least i'll have money. cuz...thats the only thing in my life i can actually obtain and retain. and money doesn't use me....i use it. so thats a good system.
i really need to step up plans to die in a lightsaber explosion. for a brief two seconds before i'm vaporised, i'll actually be cool.
at points it just gets so frustrating knowing that i'm my family's greatest failure and disappointment. its just...well i don't see a reason to put up with it. i mean.... i'm well aware that i'm going nowhere with my life right now, but i really don't feel like having my mom yell at me constantly about that. it really just emphasizes the point that just....i don't think i belong here. i always feel out of place. then again, at this point now, i don't think there is anywhere that i actually WOULD belong, so i'm out of luck there. honestly i think i just have a failure to comprehend life. least, i can't remember making a life decision, or really any decision, and feeling like it was the right one and then not had problems of some fashion arise. its just not worth it. i think i need a coma. a state where i can't keep causing problems for myself like i do.
the closest thing i have to an achievement is that i've alienated virtually every person i've ever known. and even that hasn't really been a thorough job done. though it hits closer to the problem.... that i'm cut off from everyone. i really don't have a group that i can hang out with. my doing, but still, fact remains. at least i got work and school stuff so that my spring break won't be a total waste. at least i'll have money. cuz...thats the only thing in my life i can actually obtain and retain. and money doesn't use me....i use it. so thats a good system.
i really need to step up plans to die in a lightsaber explosion. for a brief two seconds before i'm vaporised, i'll actually be cool.
3/21/2005
time to catch up.
friday i decided that i'd planned to head out to see liz and jason and hang out out there. open invite to people....but no one was available to go out there. so, i left later tahn i'd planned cuz i'd woken up late and didn't get out of here till 2. i made a small detour to csun that added about half an hour on, and then got to fight to get out there. of course, the fact that it was raining the whole time really didn't help. so i didn't get out there till somewhere after 6. which was really not at all how things were supposed to go, cuz i was trying to avoid that traffic, cuz the 210 east of pasadena doesn't move at all, and 10 east isn't much better.
anyway, once i was out there, the main stuff, after political/social topics and general life discussion was magic. good lord the cards hated me. jason plays some very aggressive take control decks, so that was tough to match. of course, the first game, he also totally ignored liz because i was playing my slivers deck and so he was probably right in trying to crush me brutally as quickly as he possibly could. i also just had some bad luck picking decks. i mean, i played my land destruction against a deck that used artifacts for mana, and then i played a creature control deck against a deck that had no creatures. i'm still sort of annoyed that jason saw fit to counter my attempt to kill all three of us at once using biorythm though. that would've been so cool, and that game wasn't going well for anyone.
anyway, saturday was a most meaningful day. as the 2nd anniversary of u.s. troops going into iraq, there were a lot of protests planned. one of which was just down at mcbean and valencia. now, i woke up late, which was bad, but i still got some posterboards, wrote up some signs, and took tom and met chris down there to counter this. not to be "anti-peace" protesters, but just people saying that whats happened in iraq is a good thing. because i think it was. we got down there about a quarter to 5 and theres about 7 or 10 other people on our side....maybe 40 or so "anti-war" on the other corner. we were getting plenty of thumbs up and honks and stuff, so that was a good thing. we even went to another street corner for a second outpost. i started off with a sign that said "Iraqi voters and U.S. soldiers - the real freedom fighters" and then also went and got a second sign that said "except for slavery nazism fascism and communism war has never solved anything". now, whats great about this sign is i had it at a corner where people were having to stop for the intersection, and i could watch everyone reading it as their lips would move and stuff. and a lot of people were supportive. one person even rolled her window down and told me she agreed with everything on my sign. i think there were only 3 negative responces. two people ylled out windows, one person flipped us off. as for who people were honking for....i think that was most revealed when the anti-war people left right at 6, and we were still there, and the amount of honking really didn't go down. proud to be an american. Protest Warrior should have video at what happened at counter protests elsewhere in the nation over the next few days, and those always prove enlightening. I mean, some guy had a sign just here that said "give peace a chance again"... one o my very reasons why peace wasn't really working.
Also had my midterm for geography....out of like....101 i think, i got a 98. so i'm glad about that. i'm pretty sure i'll be setting the curve in that class, or nearly doing so. because of that midterm, though, spring break didn't start till like 3:30 in the morning sunday, cuz thats when i finished taking it. gotta love online tests.
today went to bryan's and saw not only the star wars muppets episode, but also clone wars cartoons. pretty good, on the whole. odd seeing that stuff animated, and i think i just saw how it all needed to be mocking various otehr movies, but still good.
so now i've got a week ahead of me with no classes. i'm not quite sure what's gonna happen during all that time. i think i'm gonna waste it...but then again, i'm wasting my time with classes too. i keep looking at what i'm doing now and feeling like i need to do something productive, and all i'm doing is wasting it with college. i guess i'm wierd in that i'm viewing college as wasting my time and not productive, but i don't think that i look at it as an unique achievement. like, i just see it as something its assumed i'll do. whats more, i think the things i really want to make happen aren't acadmic...they are the things taht i want in my life that i can't force to be there. so everything feels useless because i can't do things towards those goals. i know what i want in life....i'm just not allowed to have it.
friday i decided that i'd planned to head out to see liz and jason and hang out out there. open invite to people....but no one was available to go out there. so, i left later tahn i'd planned cuz i'd woken up late and didn't get out of here till 2. i made a small detour to csun that added about half an hour on, and then got to fight to get out there. of course, the fact that it was raining the whole time really didn't help. so i didn't get out there till somewhere after 6. which was really not at all how things were supposed to go, cuz i was trying to avoid that traffic, cuz the 210 east of pasadena doesn't move at all, and 10 east isn't much better.
anyway, once i was out there, the main stuff, after political/social topics and general life discussion was magic. good lord the cards hated me. jason plays some very aggressive take control decks, so that was tough to match. of course, the first game, he also totally ignored liz because i was playing my slivers deck and so he was probably right in trying to crush me brutally as quickly as he possibly could. i also just had some bad luck picking decks. i mean, i played my land destruction against a deck that used artifacts for mana, and then i played a creature control deck against a deck that had no creatures. i'm still sort of annoyed that jason saw fit to counter my attempt to kill all three of us at once using biorythm though. that would've been so cool, and that game wasn't going well for anyone.
anyway, saturday was a most meaningful day. as the 2nd anniversary of u.s. troops going into iraq, there were a lot of protests planned. one of which was just down at mcbean and valencia. now, i woke up late, which was bad, but i still got some posterboards, wrote up some signs, and took tom and met chris down there to counter this. not to be "anti-peace" protesters, but just people saying that whats happened in iraq is a good thing. because i think it was. we got down there about a quarter to 5 and theres about 7 or 10 other people on our side....maybe 40 or so "anti-war" on the other corner. we were getting plenty of thumbs up and honks and stuff, so that was a good thing. we even went to another street corner for a second outpost. i started off with a sign that said "Iraqi voters and U.S. soldiers - the real freedom fighters" and then also went and got a second sign that said "except for slavery nazism fascism and communism war has never solved anything". now, whats great about this sign is i had it at a corner where people were having to stop for the intersection, and i could watch everyone reading it as their lips would move and stuff. and a lot of people were supportive. one person even rolled her window down and told me she agreed with everything on my sign. i think there were only 3 negative responces. two people ylled out windows, one person flipped us off. as for who people were honking for....i think that was most revealed when the anti-war people left right at 6, and we were still there, and the amount of honking really didn't go down. proud to be an american. Protest Warrior should have video at what happened at counter protests elsewhere in the nation over the next few days, and those always prove enlightening. I mean, some guy had a sign just here that said "give peace a chance again"... one o my very reasons why peace wasn't really working.
Also had my midterm for geography....out of like....101 i think, i got a 98. so i'm glad about that. i'm pretty sure i'll be setting the curve in that class, or nearly doing so. because of that midterm, though, spring break didn't start till like 3:30 in the morning sunday, cuz thats when i finished taking it. gotta love online tests.
today went to bryan's and saw not only the star wars muppets episode, but also clone wars cartoons. pretty good, on the whole. odd seeing that stuff animated, and i think i just saw how it all needed to be mocking various otehr movies, but still good.
so now i've got a week ahead of me with no classes. i'm not quite sure what's gonna happen during all that time. i think i'm gonna waste it...but then again, i'm wasting my time with classes too. i keep looking at what i'm doing now and feeling like i need to do something productive, and all i'm doing is wasting it with college. i guess i'm wierd in that i'm viewing college as wasting my time and not productive, but i don't think that i look at it as an unique achievement. like, i just see it as something its assumed i'll do. whats more, i think the things i really want to make happen aren't acadmic...they are the things taht i want in my life that i can't force to be there. so everything feels useless because i can't do things towards those goals. i know what i want in life....i'm just not allowed to have it.
3/15/2005
it is a day of celebration.
first and formost, my turn signal is working again and once again, it signals my turns by flashing. this is a good thing.
ive finally reached the rank of battleaxe in gunbound, so this is an achievement. go me. no one cares, but i'm still proud.
thanks to the medication of my dad's recommendation, my cold has been beaten back, and with good timing. my physics test today actually went pretty good. though theres nothing cooler than standing around on campus debating frames of reference and relativistic motion to feel enlightened. i think this has been the branch of physics thats interested me most thusfar. i also think the test actually went alright, so thats good too.
anyone that wants to go on a field trip to colton friday, let me know for info on when it'll be.
also, there will be a protest at the corner of valencia and mcbean saturday about iraq. i intend to counter this as i think removing saddam was a pretty good thing to do. anyone else wants info or to discuss, let me know on this as well.
finally tuesday is international eat an animal for PETA day, to make note of the tactics PETA uses in trying to convince people of their message.
first and formost, my turn signal is working again and once again, it signals my turns by flashing. this is a good thing.
ive finally reached the rank of battleaxe in gunbound, so this is an achievement. go me. no one cares, but i'm still proud.
thanks to the medication of my dad's recommendation, my cold has been beaten back, and with good timing. my physics test today actually went pretty good. though theres nothing cooler than standing around on campus debating frames of reference and relativistic motion to feel enlightened. i think this has been the branch of physics thats interested me most thusfar. i also think the test actually went alright, so thats good too.
anyone that wants to go on a field trip to colton friday, let me know for info on when it'll be.
also, there will be a protest at the corner of valencia and mcbean saturday about iraq. i intend to counter this as i think removing saddam was a pretty good thing to do. anyone else wants info or to discuss, let me know on this as well.
finally tuesday is international eat an animal for PETA day, to make note of the tactics PETA uses in trying to convince people of their message.
3/14/2005
i face a dilemma. its nearly 3 in the morning, i'm sick, and i have a physics test in the morning. however, lying in bed and feeling sick does not appeal to me either, as i'm not tired, really. just sick. so here i am at this time of the morning reading through bash. because i have nothing else to do. i really should have done work today, but all i did was sit at the computer and either be on aim or play gunbound. which is great in some sense, but still.
see, this is why being sick isn't cool. as though under proper circumstances it would be. the next week is gonna be oh so fun as i try to go through it with a cold. school won't be so bad, i don't think....but work'll take a lot out of me. esp since i predict it to be a busy one. cuz i'm ALWAYS in demand. in some ways at least. or such is what i tell myself. man i'm such a liar.
see, this is why being sick isn't cool. as though under proper circumstances it would be. the next week is gonna be oh so fun as i try to go through it with a cold. school won't be so bad, i don't think....but work'll take a lot out of me. esp since i predict it to be a busy one. cuz i'm ALWAYS in demand. in some ways at least. or such is what i tell myself. man i'm such a liar.
3/13/2005
Today started off bad. First and foremost, I woke up on the verge of being sick. Sore throat and stuff. So now I must do battle with the dreaded cold.
I got my replacement coke glasses today. Of course, irony being what it is, one of them was broken. So i'm not terribly thrilled about that, but i still got 7 glasses for like 18 bucks. good deal, i say. i figure i'll inform the seller but i'm not going to make a big deal out of it.
Went to chris's tonight to watch love hina with him jason and jeremy. love hina rules, and i definitly need it on dvd. the time will come for that. oh yes, the time will come. such a cool anime.
and now, for no reason, heres a post i made for my geography class in regards to institutionalised rasism.
I got my replacement coke glasses today. Of course, irony being what it is, one of them was broken. So i'm not terribly thrilled about that, but i still got 7 glasses for like 18 bucks. good deal, i say. i figure i'll inform the seller but i'm not going to make a big deal out of it.
Went to chris's tonight to watch love hina with him jason and jeremy. love hina rules, and i definitly need it on dvd. the time will come for that. oh yes, the time will come. such a cool anime.
and now, for no reason, heres a post i made for my geography class in regards to institutionalised rasism.
First of all, many Irish came as indentured servants...and part of that situation meant that they were not allowed to have families until after their service was over. However, masters could add time for any possible infraction. Many died without any family after many years more service than had ever been intended. Not to mention that race is a very subjective thing. The current American standard groups anyone European as white, and anyone African as black and simply uses those labels, but those are subjective both of time and of location. The British especially looked at the Irish as not really being white and of generally being a lesser race. This led to the conflict of Irish independence. My professor for poli sci a year ago had a friend that had moved from brazil to the U.S. In Brazil she was light-skinned enough to be considered 'white', but here she was surpised to find that she wasn't considered white anymore.
If the reason there is an institutionalised racism is caused by slavery, then why isn't the same issue seen everywhere else where slavery has taken place? Its not a purely American device, and many cultures have had something similar. Further, what about the part of the "roots" of the US that is the civil war, where people fought and died, in part, TO end slavery? Thats just as much a part of American history as slavery is, so why doesn't that shape how things are currently structured?
As for an actual existance of an "instatutional racism", I would be very interested to see an arguement for how that actually exists. From what I have seen statistically, racial classification doesn't play nearly as significant a role as economic class does. Why would it matter what race you are if you come from a poor family? Thats disadvantage enough, and I find it very hard to believe that coming from a poor area where there is crime is a situation that only some races can escape. A system that was created to target a specific race wouldn't accomplish anything. I've even read about some studies that I'd have to dig up that have shown that people whose families have immigrated to the U.S. recently from Africa do better than those whose families have been here going back to the time of
slavery. These are people that are the same race, effectivly, as they are all African-American, but my theory on that would be that those coming here more recently have to be able to afford it, and that can be an economic advantage. In other words, the challenges faced are by the poor, not by just a specific targeted race.
I'll make it clear that I'm not saying there's no such thing as racism. That would be something that is a blatant disregard of reality, not simply a question over how to interpret statistics and viewpoints with the question of if there is institutional racism in America. There are people of every race that have racist beliefs, and no group is immune to that. Also, in America's past, it was really only racists that were white that had the ability to affect any change, but that is, still, the past. We are, however, at a point where politics isn't dominated by just one race because of how the public feel. The party structures, on both sides, may still need to adjust, but a 1997 Gallup poll found that 93% of whites would vote for a black president. In 1958, only 35% said they would. To me, thats a rather significant change, and is an indicator of a system that isn't trying to maintain the supremacy of any particular ethnic or racial group.
I think the best statement about how a instatutionalised racism would not function was written by Booker T. Washington in 1901:
"When a Negro girl learns to cook, to wash dishes, to sew, to write a book, or a Negro boy learns to groom horses, or to grow sweet potatoes, or to produce butter, or to be able to practise medicine, as well or better than someone else, they will be rewarded regardless of race or colour. In the long run, the world is going to have the best, and any difference in race, religion, or previous history will not long keep the world from what it wants."
3/12/2005
Ah, now this truely has been a day to be. Bryan and I went and saw the Star Wars trailer on the big screen. Of course, this was not easily done. We bought tickets to Robots on the Imax, went in, and there was no trailer. So right as it was going to start, we went back out, and asked if we could get the tickets changed to a showing that WOULD have the trailer. So we got new tickets for a showing 45 minutes later, went and had fries and chocolate cokes at johnny rocket's with the refund to go from imax to regular screen, then went and saw it. Trailer was totally awesome, and it does inspire hope in me for Ep. 3 when it comes out. Bryan and I left right after the trailer, as we had places to go. I have also decided, I think, that I want to see another movie called like....Madagascar or something....when it comes out. entirely because in the trailer for the movie, it features what i believe are fairy penguins as side characters. and they just rule.
So I had my physics lab today. Which isn't new as i tend to have that every week. What was cool, though, was that the lab involved dry ice. So afterwards, we put a bit of dry ice in my water bottle, tightened it up, and hoped it would explode. It distorted the plastic, but didn't blow. Mainly as it ran out of dry ice. So someone picked it up and tossed it, and as soon as it hit the ground the bottom cracked significantly. A noble end.
Tonight, as there was some midnight thing that would cost money and therefore didn't win points with chris, he came over for a fair number of hours. A quick bit of going through Jackie Kashian's comedy since i got her cd in the mail today, then Red vs Blue season 2 (chris's), which I've seen far more than I realised....then two episodes of Black Books. Chris has agreed that the show is absolutely awesome, so I think we'll end up watching the rest of it at some point. British comedy....such an artform. Honestly, they really should just air it here. That would rule.
So I had my physics lab today. Which isn't new as i tend to have that every week. What was cool, though, was that the lab involved dry ice. So afterwards, we put a bit of dry ice in my water bottle, tightened it up, and hoped it would explode. It distorted the plastic, but didn't blow. Mainly as it ran out of dry ice. So someone picked it up and tossed it, and as soon as it hit the ground the bottom cracked significantly. A noble end.
Tonight, as there was some midnight thing that would cost money and therefore didn't win points with chris, he came over for a fair number of hours. A quick bit of going through Jackie Kashian's comedy since i got her cd in the mail today, then Red vs Blue season 2 (chris's), which I've seen far more than I realised....then two episodes of Black Books. Chris has agreed that the show is absolutely awesome, so I think we'll end up watching the rest of it at some point. British comedy....such an artform. Honestly, they really should just air it here. That would rule.
3/11/2005
ok, so i got home yesterday just before the mail was delivered and i had to sign for something. turned out to be "Black Books" which is a british show i ordered from Australia. I was surprised that it had beaten "Voices of Iraq" coming here from Texas and came back in to open it when I heard a knock at the door. It was the UPS guy with "Voices of Iraq". The poor thing lost by less than 5 minutes. Such is the fun taht exists within postal racing. Buy two things from different places at same time, see what gets tehre first.
And now, since i've tortured so many people with this already, I present waht was written on the inside of the cover of black books:
Its been one of those busy work weeks, but really, so are all my weeks. At least it makes for some good money.
Its looking like tomorrow Bryan and I are gonna go see the Star Wars trailer in the morning, so this ought to be good. I saw the teaser thing on tv tonight and it looks rather promising, so now just to see the trailer on the IMAX. Then leave, as we both have places to go. Sort of a bummer as Robots seems interesting.... but if it gets seen as a group thing, I figure I'll see it. Just priority is seeign the trailer.
I'm also figuring that I need a hobby or something, as social networks have died and been buried at this point and I need to do something other than sitting at a computer late at night compulsivly playing minesweeper. I mean, I'm getting better and better at it...but thats not normal behaviour.
When I think about it....the last social thing I did do, I think, was going out to see liz like two weeks ago. Aren't I the happening person.
And now, since i've tortured so many people with this already, I present waht was written on the inside of the cover of black books:
This complete box set gathers all nine hundred and fourteen episodes of the acclaimed documentary 'Black Books'. From the moment Ishmael finds the magic fleece in the golden ring we know we are in for a rollercoaster ride of hellz-a-poppin fun. And hey - whats a little breakfast nudity between such spirited protagonists as Dex, Taffy, and Munkle, their trusty chimney sweep / computer genius / psychic.
Throughout their adventures in the parallel universe known as FlinpF-g, we laugh along as their small intestines shrink in the forbidding nitrous atmosphere. Not until King Pizzle unmasks the dread Triton of Ultragong will order be restored to the peaceful peoples of Wilberbilberwer. It's up to Dex, Taffy, Munkle, and YOU... Vote know for your favourite thing and you too, could win a thing.
Its been one of those busy work weeks, but really, so are all my weeks. At least it makes for some good money.
Its looking like tomorrow Bryan and I are gonna go see the Star Wars trailer in the morning, so this ought to be good. I saw the teaser thing on tv tonight and it looks rather promising, so now just to see the trailer on the IMAX. Then leave, as we both have places to go. Sort of a bummer as Robots seems interesting.... but if it gets seen as a group thing, I figure I'll see it. Just priority is seeign the trailer.
I'm also figuring that I need a hobby or something, as social networks have died and been buried at this point and I need to do something other than sitting at a computer late at night compulsivly playing minesweeper. I mean, I'm getting better and better at it...but thats not normal behaviour.
When I think about it....the last social thing I did do, I think, was going out to see liz like two weeks ago. Aren't I the happening person.
3/09/2005
i really don't understand how i work nearly as well as i'd like to. i think, though, that i'm getting better at specifying the problems that i deal with and why i'm down as much as i am. first of all, it does help when i'm busy with work...so thats a good thing to keep up with and stay distracted by. more with the actual problem itself though....i think its not that i'm lonely, at least, not in the sense that is traditionally meant by it.
if anything its more of an isolation feeling, this also taking priority over me just being frustrated with being discarded, ignored, or patronised. not that i am in need of people in that sense, just that i don't have anywhere to really turn if i needed to. i mean, starting off with that there are very few that i'd really trust anyway, but its that i'm more or less cut off from the sort of communication that i need. but, thats just me being selfish to expect people to make themselves open to communication and stuff like that. they've got not only their own lives, but their own priorities...even were people readily available my issues aren't stuff that i should be bothering other people with. but then, its not getting to bother people like that that distresses me...its just knowing that I really couldn't do that even if i wanted or needed to. i'm just sort of...cut off from everyone. the last few months its probably been even moreso than its been in the past. sorta like someone hanging by a bunch of ropes and one by one the ropes are cut till there are none left, and you're just left to fall on your own. something like that, anyway.
i've determined that a movement needs to be started on the inherent sexism in CSUN not accepting more men as this is blatant discrimination of a minority. Something like 60% of the incoming students at CSUN are female while only 51% of the population is so this is obviously not representative and therefore horrendusly unjust.
I also think that I need to do some heavy econ reading before next tuesday. I've been studying carefully and the LaRoucheians are out there every tuesday, and their main arguments are ones on economic theory, which I'm not very familiar with, the nazism thing that i need to research, and soem george schultz guy that ties it all togetehr and i've never heard of. so i have to get some researching done soon and then defeat them.
I've also come to the conclusion that Fat Albert needs to be re-aired. Not only just because the show ruled, but because it would help so much to have a cartoon like that doing things like saying the cops aren't out to get black kids, or that race shouldn't be an issue (for black or white), and things like that. Man Cosby was great with slipping that stuff into his shows. I've watched 3 of 4 disks now and its great.
if anything its more of an isolation feeling, this also taking priority over me just being frustrated with being discarded, ignored, or patronised. not that i am in need of people in that sense, just that i don't have anywhere to really turn if i needed to. i mean, starting off with that there are very few that i'd really trust anyway, but its that i'm more or less cut off from the sort of communication that i need. but, thats just me being selfish to expect people to make themselves open to communication and stuff like that. they've got not only their own lives, but their own priorities...even were people readily available my issues aren't stuff that i should be bothering other people with. but then, its not getting to bother people like that that distresses me...its just knowing that I really couldn't do that even if i wanted or needed to. i'm just sort of...cut off from everyone. the last few months its probably been even moreso than its been in the past. sorta like someone hanging by a bunch of ropes and one by one the ropes are cut till there are none left, and you're just left to fall on your own. something like that, anyway.
i've determined that a movement needs to be started on the inherent sexism in CSUN not accepting more men as this is blatant discrimination of a minority. Something like 60% of the incoming students at CSUN are female while only 51% of the population is so this is obviously not representative and therefore horrendusly unjust.
I also think that I need to do some heavy econ reading before next tuesday. I've been studying carefully and the LaRoucheians are out there every tuesday, and their main arguments are ones on economic theory, which I'm not very familiar with, the nazism thing that i need to research, and soem george schultz guy that ties it all togetehr and i've never heard of. so i have to get some researching done soon and then defeat them.
I've also come to the conclusion that Fat Albert needs to be re-aired. Not only just because the show ruled, but because it would help so much to have a cartoon like that doing things like saying the cops aren't out to get black kids, or that race shouldn't be an issue (for black or white), and things like that. Man Cosby was great with slipping that stuff into his shows. I've watched 3 of 4 disks now and its great.
3/07/2005
i have a thing to do!
i finally decided to just go for it and have bought tickets to vulgarthon 2005 for March 28th. Its a monday. For those that aren't aware, it'll be a cool Kevin Smith thing that you can read more about the ViewAskew website. If anyone else DOES decide to go, let me know. There's film screenings and Q&A's and all sorts of stuff.
I think I'm Japanese at heart. Apparently, they really don't sleep much. article here. Funny part is that apparently aussies sleep the most. Id believe it.
And now a game time....whats wrong with this statement? Bryan's got it up to 5 errors...but post em in the comments.
"No, I don't think that the Isralis were justified to use military force to annex new land for themselves because Jeruselem is not only a place of importance for their religion, it is a place of importance for the Jewish and Palestinian relgions as well."
i finally decided to just go for it and have bought tickets to vulgarthon 2005 for March 28th. Its a monday. For those that aren't aware, it'll be a cool Kevin Smith thing that you can read more about the ViewAskew website. If anyone else DOES decide to go, let me know. There's film screenings and Q&A's and all sorts of stuff.
I think I'm Japanese at heart. Apparently, they really don't sleep much. article here. Funny part is that apparently aussies sleep the most. Id believe it.
And now a game time....whats wrong with this statement? Bryan's got it up to 5 errors...but post em in the comments.
"No, I don't think that the Isralis were justified to use military force to annex new land for themselves because Jeruselem is not only a place of importance for their religion, it is a place of importance for the Jewish and Palestinian relgions as well."
3/06/2005
I think tis been a week since I updated....but I only ever really do school and work so its not like anything much has been missed. Or well, last night I did prove how cool I am by helping sita out by picking her and her sister up at the bus stop, driving them somewhere to get flowers, then dropping them off at their house to do something for their mom. On the other side of things, today one of our cool coca-cola glasses was broken...so being the generous person i am, i bought replacements on ebay. i love ebay.
On the mindset level...the more I think about it, the more I realise that who I am isn't based on anything specific, when one thinks about either events or tangable items. I'm not of the physical world, raelly. Not at my core. If anything, I'm one of the realm of ideas and the like. Now, not the sort of crazy artist junk where you're trying to express an emotion as painting or junk like that. I mean more beliefs, and concepts, and such. I'm alive when I'm debating and arguing and trying to convince others, or hear alternative viewpoints, or discussing the pros and cons of an ideology. Its why, for example, I continue to get into debates with the LaRouche people at CSUN even though they're nuts. Its also why I'm really enjoying my geography class where I'm commenting on other people's ideas to a prolific extent. The concepts of discussion and arguementation just connect with me, the same way that listening and playing music does for the musical type of person.
I think its also why I get so frustrated now with things. Its one thing to have someone disagree with you and say "well, you're wrong, and here's why" and stuff like that. I may stick with my opinion still, but theres that dialogue that just, makes things have meaning to me. I just can't stand it now where theres a level of "oh, just ignore what Mike says". There's no discussion or anything, just ignoring. What I say doesn't count because "oh its mike, that doesn't matter". Its not just that its something about me that is why it bugs me, its more because it destroys and eats away at who i am. I AM that dialogue. It almost feels like who I am is being targetted and destroyed with that mindset and that is really disheartening.
Its just one more nail in the coffin for the arguement that I just....shouldn't interact with people on a social level, because that seems to be where it leads....to just discarding me or what I say. Debunk if you want, but don't discard. Social contact is just not something I'm cut out for though, I suppose. It too often seems to put me into this catagory of "well, we may as well just ignore what he says", which you don't get into in other situations where you go in expecting things to be settled via discussion. Maybe that cuts more to my problem...I want to be able to thoroughly discuss things like that, and thats not something that most people want to do, from my experience. Its just not the workings of others. Its like i'm the only one looking this way....everyone else is facing some other goal that I can't see, let alone strive for.
It makes me wonder why I even bother trying to be social in the first place. I try to act like the inevitibility of what'll happen isn't there. Like maybe there will be some nice social setting or environment where I'll just fit in and things'll work and I'll be happy. I mean, I know thats not actually reality, but I let myself forget taht from time to time and I shouldn't. Some people would say thats being depressing or something like that, but its just reality, at the least, reality as it applies to me. And it doesn't bug me. I'm not, in my essence, meant to be around people. I'm an arguementative, selfish, arrogant jerk. I know it. I accept it. So I know my place in things. The only part that is hard is all the repeated drops every time I let my expectations rise above what reality can really hold out for me. Its basicly lying to myself...and even though I know the cost attached, I still do that to myself. I don't know why, but I still do. Some irony, perhaps, that for being someone that values not discarding views offhand, i continue to do just that with my view of reality. I favor instead some idea that things'll work out when everything around me is a clear indicator that that will never happen. But I discard it... I guess I jsut need to realise in my core that if i can't debunk that reality, then I just need to accept it.
On the mindset level...the more I think about it, the more I realise that who I am isn't based on anything specific, when one thinks about either events or tangable items. I'm not of the physical world, raelly. Not at my core. If anything, I'm one of the realm of ideas and the like. Now, not the sort of crazy artist junk where you're trying to express an emotion as painting or junk like that. I mean more beliefs, and concepts, and such. I'm alive when I'm debating and arguing and trying to convince others, or hear alternative viewpoints, or discussing the pros and cons of an ideology. Its why, for example, I continue to get into debates with the LaRouche people at CSUN even though they're nuts. Its also why I'm really enjoying my geography class where I'm commenting on other people's ideas to a prolific extent. The concepts of discussion and arguementation just connect with me, the same way that listening and playing music does for the musical type of person.
I think its also why I get so frustrated now with things. Its one thing to have someone disagree with you and say "well, you're wrong, and here's why" and stuff like that. I may stick with my opinion still, but theres that dialogue that just, makes things have meaning to me. I just can't stand it now where theres a level of "oh, just ignore what Mike says". There's no discussion or anything, just ignoring. What I say doesn't count because "oh its mike, that doesn't matter". Its not just that its something about me that is why it bugs me, its more because it destroys and eats away at who i am. I AM that dialogue. It almost feels like who I am is being targetted and destroyed with that mindset and that is really disheartening.
Its just one more nail in the coffin for the arguement that I just....shouldn't interact with people on a social level, because that seems to be where it leads....to just discarding me or what I say. Debunk if you want, but don't discard. Social contact is just not something I'm cut out for though, I suppose. It too often seems to put me into this catagory of "well, we may as well just ignore what he says", which you don't get into in other situations where you go in expecting things to be settled via discussion. Maybe that cuts more to my problem...I want to be able to thoroughly discuss things like that, and thats not something that most people want to do, from my experience. Its just not the workings of others. Its like i'm the only one looking this way....everyone else is facing some other goal that I can't see, let alone strive for.
It makes me wonder why I even bother trying to be social in the first place. I try to act like the inevitibility of what'll happen isn't there. Like maybe there will be some nice social setting or environment where I'll just fit in and things'll work and I'll be happy. I mean, I know thats not actually reality, but I let myself forget taht from time to time and I shouldn't. Some people would say thats being depressing or something like that, but its just reality, at the least, reality as it applies to me. And it doesn't bug me. I'm not, in my essence, meant to be around people. I'm an arguementative, selfish, arrogant jerk. I know it. I accept it. So I know my place in things. The only part that is hard is all the repeated drops every time I let my expectations rise above what reality can really hold out for me. Its basicly lying to myself...and even though I know the cost attached, I still do that to myself. I don't know why, but I still do. Some irony, perhaps, that for being someone that values not discarding views offhand, i continue to do just that with my view of reality. I favor instead some idea that things'll work out when everything around me is a clear indicator that that will never happen. But I discard it... I guess I jsut need to realise in my core that if i can't debunk that reality, then I just need to accept it.
Its book time!
This will be covering what I've read recreationally since February, where my pace has been drasticly slowed down, what with school and all.
This will be covering what I've read recreationally since February, where my pace has been drasticly slowed down, what with school and all.
- The Pleasure of Finding Things Out best works of Richard Feynman (257 pages) Feynman is, as i figure no one reading this has heard his name before, a Nobel prize-winning physist. I'd really only heard his name prior in the context of physics texts as apparently his stuff is supposed to be really good for helping one understand physics. When I started in on this, I wasn't really sure what to expect though. The book is a series of lectures and interviews by Feynmen, and they were an awesome read. He has a lot of character, for one thing, and also a very interesting attitude when it comes to science. Plus, he had a great habit of not considering who he was talking to when criticising ideas, even getting in the face of Neils Bohr. Now that is just awesome. I do grant that it can be a tough read for some since you really have to understand physics and such to understand some sections, but since all the pieces really are stand-alone, you can always just skip over the parts where the science is too intense. For my fellow nerds, check this out.
- Sahara by Clive Cussler (541 pages) Those of you that have paid attention to my past entries on books have no doubt noticed that I worship the pages this man writes on. Sahara is, without a doubt, no exception. Also, of all the ones I've read, I think this one has tied together the most random strings into one storyline. Some of the elements in this are a Confederate ironclad taht disappeared at the end of the civil war, an australian pilot that disappeared over Africa in the 1930's, nuclear waste, and algae. Yeah, thats scattered. Dirk, as always, rules throughout the story, and the setting for nearly all of this is in Africa, mainly the Niger River. Bit of Nile. Some of the pseudohistory it delves into is absolutly jaw dropping too. I don't think I'd call it his best, per se, but its a read that definitly doesn't leave you disappointed.
- Star Wars: Survivor's Quest by Timothy Zahn (460 pages) Zahn is another one of those literary gods to me, especially as this is the man who wrote the first really high quality star wars expanded universe novels of which i've grown so fond. This one especially got to me because it focused on Outbound Flight, a mission launched at the end of the Old Republic to go to a new galaxy, with several prominant Jedi Masters on board, including Jorus C'Boath, a clone of whose played a big role in Zahn's first books. The flight was ambushed by Grand Admiral Thrawn under orders of Palpatine. The book itself is set during the New Republic when the Flight is found again. With representatives of the Empire, Luke and Mara of the Jedi, a phony from the New Republic, the Chiss, and some strange mystery species, theres so many factions going in that the chaos that erupts seems inevitible. Nevertheless, it still ruled so very much. It was worth staying up till 6 or so to read when I read it.
- Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich (257 pages) This has given me ideas on what to do for a summer job. Basicly, the book is about a group of MIT students that had refinded the technique of card counting in blackjack to a science, and subtle communication to an art. They made millions in casinos throughout the U.S. with the techniques they developed, and it was all legal because counting cards, while frowned upon by the casinos, is still technically not cheating. The amount of math and planning involved in this is absolutly mind-boggling. And whats most amazing is its a true account. These guys rocked. Definitly worth reading.
