7/20/2004
Alright, I'm going to start this off with the imporant stuff. My karmic energies have set ablaze the east side of the valley. My mental capacities truely are a wonder, but if only they could be harnessed for the forces of good. To explain this relevation, I quote myself from a week ago: "Probably the only part that hasn't burnt recently would be the east part, by the 14,"
Now then, Saturday around noon a red tailed hawk hit a powerline, and then, on fire or something I assume, fell into the brush near the 14 freeway starting a fire that has been ravaging the valley east of the 14. Nothing is destroyed yet, thankfully not the nature center, but still, its weird that I can't remember the last time there was a fire there and one starts within a week of me saying that it should have burned by now.
So Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, Tom and I went out at like 12:30 in the morning and i drove as far as san fernando and sierra highway so that I could take pictures. Oh how I love my telephoto lens. Anyways, a pic from my digital will probably be put up soon, but for now there will be no pics. It was amazing to watch, moreso in the telephoto lens, so that should hopfully give me some good pictures. when i get those developed and back, they will go up here. Now on to less important matters.
First of all, I'm nearly back to getting all my money from Fahrenheit 9/11. The only people left now that I've not gotten the money for the tickets for are Bryan and Jennie. And Bryan I know I'm getting the money from after Comic-con as per the arrangements made there. One exception seems doable. Anyways, thanks to those that paid me when I bugged you to, especially John and Andrew, who drove it to my house. My getting money back is a good thing.
This is perhaps especially important as I'm now officially over budget for summer. I think I will also give Chris the attention he so desires here by pointing out that, in a clever ploy on his part, he listed in the memo portion of my check "lap dances" but since I deposit via the atm, this isn't going to be an issue.
My applications netted me a grand total of 0 call backs, and so my entire summer income came from just one tutoring session a week, since the other one I was supposed to have ended up not working out. At least I'll start with that one as soon as school does. So this means taht I've got far less money than I'd planned to at this point in summer, and so it's meant that I've had to really cut back on spending. Now its really just meaning that I can only do activities below a certain cost threshold. Mainly the slurppee runs. Since those are under a dollar and most fun. Of course, the recent most one with Karl also gave me a chance to test out my new credit card to make sure the account works. It charged alright, now i need to make sure I can access the statement and I am good to go. Power is mine. And now i've got one more thing to say to get the stupid Citibank of South Dakota people to shut up when they call me. I'm not interested!
Much of my last week has gone to playing Legend of the Green Dragon. I'm now....17th in the game, I think, and the guild Liz and I have is thriving. The benefits of not having an actual life; I can rule in an online game. I still recommend people join. Gunbound I'm also playing from time to time, but the lag is so frequent that its getting difficult. or at least annoying.
Now lets see what else to cover...I think in the last week or two I've twice decimated Chris at Magic. And this is always fun. Once was the slaughter to my beast deck, the otehr game was to my burn deck. Both games can be summarised as this: "Chris gets out trees, he hits me for a while, I get some larger creatures out there and systematically raze his forests. Chris cries." God I love that game. I really need to get back to either some more games of it, or some multiplayer, or some tournaments. Can't beat strategy in a game.
Friday the chupathingie went in to see my dad's mechanic. I've been having problems for some time now with it losing transmission fluid, I believe. Over the phone, the mechanic thought that the transmission had been shot. However, when he got a look at it, he realised that the transmission had been worked on and then improperly sealed, so he fixed that, and is pretty confidant that that will stop the leaking. This rules as the chupathingie may further live. Long live the Chupathingie! On that note, I think I will work on the Chupathingie remix in the coming days. We shall see. Eh, i'll probably be too lazy.
Sunday Karl was introduced to that which is Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I really need a way to get more of these episodes, as the stuff is really good and totally quotable. Its been a long time since i've watched it, so theres been a bit of a revival of it and i've been watching it a lot lately. Good stuff. Also on the revival kick was watching SLC Punk Saturday. Still an awesome movie with awesome lines and plot and all.
Oh and there were power outages....Thursday and Friday I believe. Thursday was my region, Friday was bryan's. The latter standing out as we went on a slurppee run and involved was Karl mocking the people without power. No idea why of yet those happened though.
Comic-con...theres a topic in the forefront of some people's minds. Well, I figure its worth covering here. So back in June I caved to repeated pressure about how I had to sign up. $60 for like...5 days or something. It'd be...6 people in one hotel room for the whole time, stuff like that. However, given both the state of finances and my level of wanting to do some things, I've been very much regretting giving in in first place. The one good thing is that for a while my mom shut up about trying to make me do things. Still though, as I'm overbudget, Comic-con is something I'm really trying to figure out how to get out of. Of course, I get in trouble at home if I don't go. However, it'd be expensive to be there, and me and expensive don't really go hand and hand. I think to some extent, the concept of a con also just unnerves me. Crowds and all...but eh. Thats just a minor thing. I'll probably end up going one day so that my mom is satisfied, and so I'm trying to figure out which day will be the most Star Wars stuff that i want to see since thats really the only thing that interests me. And some of the webcomics that should be there. Still though, I don't want to have to deal with it costing me a lot, so I may just work hard on not spending a penny while I'm there. The only concern there is that I'm not sure if I'll be able to take the drive home from San Diego having not eaten for 24 hours. Its a judgement call thing.
Now for some politics...I'm very much enjoying recent political stuff in California. John and Ken on KFI have decided that there will be a political sacrifice of a Republican congressman to show that the Republican party should be taking a stand against illegal immigration. About time, and if this works, it'll be awesome. There's no chance of hope from the democrats on this issue, so it's all up the Republicans to start doing their job. Also in the news, Schwarteneggar called the Democratic legislators that are inflating the budget and refusing to finalise it by negotiating 'girlie men'. I love this for two reasons. First is that I'm sick of the Democrats not representing the people of California, but catering to special interests, and trying to just raise spending and just overall not showing any financial accountability or responsibility. And this comment is really drawing attention to taht. Second is that I find it hilarious how the Democrats, as well as Femenist, Gay, and Bisexual activists are proving why it is I can't stand that side of the political spectrum (not to say I like the other much) by completely ignoring why he said it, but also that they are acting like this is some horrific act of homophobia or sexism. Its always fun to watch how some of the far left wing out here in California has no grasp of reality whatsoever. Oh how I laugh.
Sometime early today, Loren left for Germany for a year. Or technically, it was yesterday. Either way, thats definitly going to mean I'll need something to fill some more time and keep my mind occupied for the next few weeks. At least the last minute mailings worked out fine. Also on that note, props to Chris for assistance provided. It reminds me why I've not thrown you across the border into Mexico yet to allow me to watch a live version of "Born in East L.A."
Finally, my forum is quieting down. As such I would like to remind people that there should be more posting there. I would especially like to remind Bryan that you have given me permission to tie you to a chair and lock you in a room with Karl and Chris to do to you as they please. Chris, now that your computer is undead, you also should be getting back there. karl gets points for having done so for the last few days. Oh, and anyone else, you probably should be posting too.
Now then, Saturday around noon a red tailed hawk hit a powerline, and then, on fire or something I assume, fell into the brush near the 14 freeway starting a fire that has been ravaging the valley east of the 14. Nothing is destroyed yet, thankfully not the nature center, but still, its weird that I can't remember the last time there was a fire there and one starts within a week of me saying that it should have burned by now.
So Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, Tom and I went out at like 12:30 in the morning and i drove as far as san fernando and sierra highway so that I could take pictures. Oh how I love my telephoto lens. Anyways, a pic from my digital will probably be put up soon, but for now there will be no pics. It was amazing to watch, moreso in the telephoto lens, so that should hopfully give me some good pictures. when i get those developed and back, they will go up here. Now on to less important matters.
First of all, I'm nearly back to getting all my money from Fahrenheit 9/11. The only people left now that I've not gotten the money for the tickets for are Bryan and Jennie. And Bryan I know I'm getting the money from after Comic-con as per the arrangements made there. One exception seems doable. Anyways, thanks to those that paid me when I bugged you to, especially John and Andrew, who drove it to my house. My getting money back is a good thing.
This is perhaps especially important as I'm now officially over budget for summer. I think I will also give Chris the attention he so desires here by pointing out that, in a clever ploy on his part, he listed in the memo portion of my check "lap dances" but since I deposit via the atm, this isn't going to be an issue.
My applications netted me a grand total of 0 call backs, and so my entire summer income came from just one tutoring session a week, since the other one I was supposed to have ended up not working out. At least I'll start with that one as soon as school does. So this means taht I've got far less money than I'd planned to at this point in summer, and so it's meant that I've had to really cut back on spending. Now its really just meaning that I can only do activities below a certain cost threshold. Mainly the slurppee runs. Since those are under a dollar and most fun. Of course, the recent most one with Karl also gave me a chance to test out my new credit card to make sure the account works. It charged alright, now i need to make sure I can access the statement and I am good to go. Power is mine. And now i've got one more thing to say to get the stupid Citibank of South Dakota people to shut up when they call me. I'm not interested!
Much of my last week has gone to playing Legend of the Green Dragon. I'm now....17th in the game, I think, and the guild Liz and I have is thriving. The benefits of not having an actual life; I can rule in an online game. I still recommend people join. Gunbound I'm also playing from time to time, but the lag is so frequent that its getting difficult. or at least annoying.
Now lets see what else to cover...I think in the last week or two I've twice decimated Chris at Magic. And this is always fun. Once was the slaughter to my beast deck, the otehr game was to my burn deck. Both games can be summarised as this: "Chris gets out trees, he hits me for a while, I get some larger creatures out there and systematically raze his forests. Chris cries." God I love that game. I really need to get back to either some more games of it, or some multiplayer, or some tournaments. Can't beat strategy in a game.
Friday the chupathingie went in to see my dad's mechanic. I've been having problems for some time now with it losing transmission fluid, I believe. Over the phone, the mechanic thought that the transmission had been shot. However, when he got a look at it, he realised that the transmission had been worked on and then improperly sealed, so he fixed that, and is pretty confidant that that will stop the leaking. This rules as the chupathingie may further live. Long live the Chupathingie! On that note, I think I will work on the Chupathingie remix in the coming days. We shall see. Eh, i'll probably be too lazy.
Sunday Karl was introduced to that which is Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I really need a way to get more of these episodes, as the stuff is really good and totally quotable. Its been a long time since i've watched it, so theres been a bit of a revival of it and i've been watching it a lot lately. Good stuff. Also on the revival kick was watching SLC Punk Saturday. Still an awesome movie with awesome lines and plot and all.
Oh and there were power outages....Thursday and Friday I believe. Thursday was my region, Friday was bryan's. The latter standing out as we went on a slurppee run and involved was Karl mocking the people without power. No idea why of yet those happened though.
Comic-con...theres a topic in the forefront of some people's minds. Well, I figure its worth covering here. So back in June I caved to repeated pressure about how I had to sign up. $60 for like...5 days or something. It'd be...6 people in one hotel room for the whole time, stuff like that. However, given both the state of finances and my level of wanting to do some things, I've been very much regretting giving in in first place. The one good thing is that for a while my mom shut up about trying to make me do things. Still though, as I'm overbudget, Comic-con is something I'm really trying to figure out how to get out of. Of course, I get in trouble at home if I don't go. However, it'd be expensive to be there, and me and expensive don't really go hand and hand. I think to some extent, the concept of a con also just unnerves me. Crowds and all...but eh. Thats just a minor thing. I'll probably end up going one day so that my mom is satisfied, and so I'm trying to figure out which day will be the most Star Wars stuff that i want to see since thats really the only thing that interests me. And some of the webcomics that should be there. Still though, I don't want to have to deal with it costing me a lot, so I may just work hard on not spending a penny while I'm there. The only concern there is that I'm not sure if I'll be able to take the drive home from San Diego having not eaten for 24 hours. Its a judgement call thing.
Now for some politics...I'm very much enjoying recent political stuff in California. John and Ken on KFI have decided that there will be a political sacrifice of a Republican congressman to show that the Republican party should be taking a stand against illegal immigration. About time, and if this works, it'll be awesome. There's no chance of hope from the democrats on this issue, so it's all up the Republicans to start doing their job. Also in the news, Schwarteneggar called the Democratic legislators that are inflating the budget and refusing to finalise it by negotiating 'girlie men'. I love this for two reasons. First is that I'm sick of the Democrats not representing the people of California, but catering to special interests, and trying to just raise spending and just overall not showing any financial accountability or responsibility. And this comment is really drawing attention to taht. Second is that I find it hilarious how the Democrats, as well as Femenist, Gay, and Bisexual activists are proving why it is I can't stand that side of the political spectrum (not to say I like the other much) by completely ignoring why he said it, but also that they are acting like this is some horrific act of homophobia or sexism. Its always fun to watch how some of the far left wing out here in California has no grasp of reality whatsoever. Oh how I laugh.
Sometime early today, Loren left for Germany for a year. Or technically, it was yesterday. Either way, thats definitly going to mean I'll need something to fill some more time and keep my mind occupied for the next few weeks. At least the last minute mailings worked out fine. Also on that note, props to Chris for assistance provided. It reminds me why I've not thrown you across the border into Mexico yet to allow me to watch a live version of "Born in East L.A."
Finally, my forum is quieting down. As such I would like to remind people that there should be more posting there. I would especially like to remind Bryan that you have given me permission to tie you to a chair and lock you in a room with Karl and Chris to do to you as they please. Chris, now that your computer is undead, you also should be getting back there. karl gets points for having done so for the last few days. Oh, and anyone else, you probably should be posting too.
7/13/2004
first thing to cover...i'm making just a general statement here...writing here is one of my ways of venting, of coping, and just generally trying to be a bit less clinically deranged than I'd otherwise be. If you haven't noticed yet, you can comment on my entries. That means, if thigns go here and you have a comment on them, comment there. There are the few people I'll actually talk with in general about thigns, but if you've got a comment on what i've said, put it here, don't go making it to me via email, aim, etc. Thats not how the system works.
Moving on...I noticed somethign interesting yesterday. I was driving home from being down at my dad's shop, and as I came into the valley as the sun set, the big towers of smoke to the north took on a reddish glow. I'd never really realised that I'm almost used to seeing that. Its probably not how it should be, but I'm at this point used to seeing the plumes of smoke that show where large amounts of trees and brush are burning. Over the last few years its happened so many times around this valley. Probably the only part that hasn't burnt recently would be the east part, by the 14, and that might just be because thats always seemed to be the drier side of the valley. Either way, its an odd state when seeing that doesn't even catch my attention much anymore.
Last night was a real return to the essence of slurpee runs. It was way overdue, too. I think its probably those that best sum up the sort of hanging out and all that is most in my nature. Virtually no monetary cost, can get back home whenever I want to, and its just talking, debating, arguing...and the part i'm less fond of, Karl and Bryan groping one another. But other than that, its all good. Its relaxing, for the most part, which is a nice element considering most social interaction things I do tend to just get me tense and on edge.
I'm watching the money in my bank account dry up far faster than I want it to. It really doesn't help that tutoring has been a lot less than I'd been thinking I'd have for summer. I'm going to have to make up a lot more money come fall, but at least I think my schedule will allow for it. Of course, I also need to pay for school...which is fun. At this point I'm really regretting buying the Comic-con ticket since I get the impression that they don't give refunds though I've not quite looked into it, and it just really doesn't seem worth the money involved. I mean, theres some neat aspects...but its nothing thats a one time only thing, really. There'll be other things of a similar nature I can go to in the future when it's more on my terms and I'm in better financial shape.
Though on finances, I've determined the most annoying thing is having my mom yell at me about how I save too much money. She did that all through spring semister, and then is also annoyed that I haven't gotten a job this sunmmer. Its really clear that she has a view on money that you have to be constantly spending it...but it was particularly annoying that she's so convinced that I need to be going on roadtrips now or some stupid stuff like that. I fought my way through a year of school to get to summer so that I wouldn't have to do anything. I worked so hard and saved up money so that I could get a break over summer. She really seems to not get that. I mean, I make more than her, so what position is she in to be telling me I'm not making neough now that its summer? Its just another one of these things of her trying to stop me from living my own life the way I want to. I want to relax during summer, and every one of her ideas is something that I'm not going to be relaxed by.
Moving on...I noticed somethign interesting yesterday. I was driving home from being down at my dad's shop, and as I came into the valley as the sun set, the big towers of smoke to the north took on a reddish glow. I'd never really realised that I'm almost used to seeing that. Its probably not how it should be, but I'm at this point used to seeing the plumes of smoke that show where large amounts of trees and brush are burning. Over the last few years its happened so many times around this valley. Probably the only part that hasn't burnt recently would be the east part, by the 14, and that might just be because thats always seemed to be the drier side of the valley. Either way, its an odd state when seeing that doesn't even catch my attention much anymore.
Last night was a real return to the essence of slurpee runs. It was way overdue, too. I think its probably those that best sum up the sort of hanging out and all that is most in my nature. Virtually no monetary cost, can get back home whenever I want to, and its just talking, debating, arguing...and the part i'm less fond of, Karl and Bryan groping one another. But other than that, its all good. Its relaxing, for the most part, which is a nice element considering most social interaction things I do tend to just get me tense and on edge.
I'm watching the money in my bank account dry up far faster than I want it to. It really doesn't help that tutoring has been a lot less than I'd been thinking I'd have for summer. I'm going to have to make up a lot more money come fall, but at least I think my schedule will allow for it. Of course, I also need to pay for school...which is fun. At this point I'm really regretting buying the Comic-con ticket since I get the impression that they don't give refunds though I've not quite looked into it, and it just really doesn't seem worth the money involved. I mean, theres some neat aspects...but its nothing thats a one time only thing, really. There'll be other things of a similar nature I can go to in the future when it's more on my terms and I'm in better financial shape.
Though on finances, I've determined the most annoying thing is having my mom yell at me about how I save too much money. She did that all through spring semister, and then is also annoyed that I haven't gotten a job this sunmmer. Its really clear that she has a view on money that you have to be constantly spending it...but it was particularly annoying that she's so convinced that I need to be going on roadtrips now or some stupid stuff like that. I fought my way through a year of school to get to summer so that I wouldn't have to do anything. I worked so hard and saved up money so that I could get a break over summer. She really seems to not get that. I mean, I make more than her, so what position is she in to be telling me I'm not making neough now that its summer? Its just another one of these things of her trying to stop me from living my own life the way I want to. I want to relax during summer, and every one of her ideas is something that I'm not going to be relaxed by.
7/10/2004
Ok...first the part for anyone that might actually be reading this...interesting fact. Tony Chong of Cheech and Chong recently did 9 months of prison time for selling water pipes to Pennsylvania. No drugs were involved. Just an interesting note. He was on Jay Leno, hense the info on that.
Now my own personal rantings. Feel free to skip.
I watched "Good Will Hunting" tonight since nothing was on. Channel surfing, saw math equations, and stopped. I suppose that shows somethign about me. It made for a really good movie, definitly Oscar-worthy story. Which is fitting since they got an Oscar for writing it.
It got me very introspective though. In watching it...I was realising a lot about my own life. I'm 19, working through college, and I have yet to really ever feel like I had an idea of where I was going with my life. Like, I know its not like I'm supposed to have it set down, but I don't have goals. I can't look 5 years down the road and say "this is what I want to accomplish." Looking back at at least the last few years, I can see that I never had that. Through high school, I had some short term goals, but no goals as far as my life was concerned. Just things I did chasing shadows of what I thought could happen. But nothing concrete, nothing that was just me setting a goal for me to achieve something. Jumping to now, with one year of college behind me, I still have no idea what to even consider doing after. My mom especially wants me to keep going and earn a Master's after the Bachlor's, and I'll probably do that. I just don't know why. I feel like I'm wasting my life. Then again, that's really all I've ever felt. Its frustrating to look back at my life and feel like I've got nothing to show for it. Nothing to take pride in. No accomplishments of my own. I've had 19 years to do something worthwhile so far, and theres not even the hint of that happening.
Maybe its just that I can't stand change. I want a situation where I can understand it all, know whats going on. I hate changing my surroundings and having to adapt again and reassess the situation. I want a rut that I can relax in and just be happy, but something always comes along and gets rid of everything that I'd grown accustomed to and liked.
Perhaps what's most frustrating is that so many of the changes that have caused me the most problems are the ones that weren't my doing. The choices other people made that have effected me. Like how I'm 19 and people are still trying to tell me what I have to do, and pressure me into leading my life the way they think I should. Its no concern that I get what I want out of life, its that they think I should change my life to fit their priorities. I work hard through a full school year so that I can afford a summer vacation to do as I please and I get nothing but criticism from my mom about how I'm not working, and how I'm not off taking trips and spending away money I worked hard to save. I don't even know who she thinks I'd be driving half way across the country with. People that want me to live based on what they think its important...that because they think its something fun, or its something they enjoy, that I have to do it too because I'm stupid or foolish because I'm not the same as them. Its senior year all over again, fighting over prom. I knew that that wasn't who I was, but I just kept getting told how I had to go. I mean, it wasn't hard for me to realise I didn't belong there, but so many other people were so difficult about it. How I was wrong for not liking crowd situations like that, wrong for not wanting to dance, wrong for not liking the music, wrong for not having a great time even though I knew hardly anyone and friends turned their backs on me that night. Wrong for saying that I didn't enjoy prom because of course I really did have fun and i was just being stubborn.
I've always tried to live my life without criticising people much for who they are. Sure, I tease about things that aren't critical parts of them, or don't involve criticising who they are as a person (example....that Bryan is Korean) but that's not the same as attacking someone's interests. I mean, the only thing of that nature I do is my attacks on stupidity, ignorance, and illogical patterns of thought, but thats different than getting on someone's case for having different tastes than me. Every time it comes up, its always how i'm weird, or stupid, or no fun because I don't look at life the way they do. That i don't agree with them fully on what's fun and what isn't. It's amazing how many times I've gotten criticised because I say not that something is dumb, or boring, but because its just not my thing. I mean, I'm saying essentially that its not my thing, but theres nothing wrong with it being yours, but still I just get attacked for that. Its like all I'm being told is that I have to live my life the way they want me to, I have to like the things they tell me to, I have to do the things that they think I should. It's not like I'm refusing things I know nothing about...its things I've tried or been exposed to and just didn't care for. I made my choice, and that should be a personal one. I shouldn't have to deal with people telling me that I'm wrong in saying what I do or don't like.
I don't understand why it's such a hard request to just want to live my own life the way I see fit. To pursue what I want, and only that, and not be forced to lead my life according the priorities of others. Then again, that's maybe just my lot in life. To be kicked around, used and discarded, time and again like I have been in the past. Taken advantage of, then kicked to the curb when there's nothing left of me to take. It's no wonder that I'm paranoid. Or rather, its not really paranoia if everyone really is out to get you, is it? How many times have I had fears that I've convinced myself to ignore only to have them proved right? Too many times. How many times have I been stabbed in the back, or betrayed, or lied to, or misled? More than it should have happened.
What does it mean in my life when I've got past questioning, and I just outright assume that everyone that I associate is using me for something? That I don't have any value as a person, that I'm only a means to an end? Its not like this is the fun way to think. I want to be trusting, I want to feel like people talk to me for who I am. But then I look back at my life, and that just seems like I'm being a fool. That girl that talks to me in my chem lecture? She only does it because I can help her on the labs. The person I talked to in high school? That one only talked to me because they could get a ride sometimes from my mom. The person that calls me up on occasion? Only calls when there's a need for tech support. I look at this all, and then I look back on the times that I've given the benefit of the doubt, and then where that's gotten me. It only ever seems to cause me pain in the end.
But that seems to be my thing. It's like all I'm ever doing is destroying myself. Mentally its been happening for years. Physically it's had its ups and downs. There's a weird feeling when you beat yourself hard enough you worry what will happen if you actually knock yourself out. When you're tired of hurting inside, so with no direction to go, you batter yourself on the outside. It was the sort of thing I never talked about. Maybe because it was the only thing I could do that was under my own control fully. I guess thats why I considered suicide so much back then. I wanted my life. Yeah, it was going to be taking my life, but I'd be taking it back for me. I couldn't live my life the way I wanted, but at least I could end it the way I wanted. And perhaps what's most interesting is...I hid that away. I worked hard to not be one of those people that'd run around, "Oh please I'm going to kill myself, give me attention and tell me how wonderful I am." Instead I spent I don't know how many nights sitting in the dark late at night in my kitchen, just looking at my reflection in the blade of a knife. Wondering what it would feel like, wondering if i should just cut myself free of all the restrictions that kept getting put on me. And its more interesting to see that I'm having to fight now to stop that from returning. Its in some sense scary knowing that I don't know what I'll end up doing if I stand by as my life is taken control of again. I fought so hard to be able to live my life for me, and I don't want to lose that. I can't lose that. Because if that happens again, I wonder if I'll be able to sustain myself or if I'll just revert. Go back to beating and abusing myself when no one is looking. Go back to long nights wondering if there's any reason to see the morning. Go back to the darkest thoughts, the darkest feelings I've ever had.
I don't want those shadows I've struggled to free myself from to envelop me again, because if they do, I may never again see the light.
Now my own personal rantings. Feel free to skip.
I watched "Good Will Hunting" tonight since nothing was on. Channel surfing, saw math equations, and stopped. I suppose that shows somethign about me. It made for a really good movie, definitly Oscar-worthy story. Which is fitting since they got an Oscar for writing it.
It got me very introspective though. In watching it...I was realising a lot about my own life. I'm 19, working through college, and I have yet to really ever feel like I had an idea of where I was going with my life. Like, I know its not like I'm supposed to have it set down, but I don't have goals. I can't look 5 years down the road and say "this is what I want to accomplish." Looking back at at least the last few years, I can see that I never had that. Through high school, I had some short term goals, but no goals as far as my life was concerned. Just things I did chasing shadows of what I thought could happen. But nothing concrete, nothing that was just me setting a goal for me to achieve something. Jumping to now, with one year of college behind me, I still have no idea what to even consider doing after. My mom especially wants me to keep going and earn a Master's after the Bachlor's, and I'll probably do that. I just don't know why. I feel like I'm wasting my life. Then again, that's really all I've ever felt. Its frustrating to look back at my life and feel like I've got nothing to show for it. Nothing to take pride in. No accomplishments of my own. I've had 19 years to do something worthwhile so far, and theres not even the hint of that happening.
Maybe its just that I can't stand change. I want a situation where I can understand it all, know whats going on. I hate changing my surroundings and having to adapt again and reassess the situation. I want a rut that I can relax in and just be happy, but something always comes along and gets rid of everything that I'd grown accustomed to and liked.
Perhaps what's most frustrating is that so many of the changes that have caused me the most problems are the ones that weren't my doing. The choices other people made that have effected me. Like how I'm 19 and people are still trying to tell me what I have to do, and pressure me into leading my life the way they think I should. Its no concern that I get what I want out of life, its that they think I should change my life to fit their priorities. I work hard through a full school year so that I can afford a summer vacation to do as I please and I get nothing but criticism from my mom about how I'm not working, and how I'm not off taking trips and spending away money I worked hard to save. I don't even know who she thinks I'd be driving half way across the country with. People that want me to live based on what they think its important...that because they think its something fun, or its something they enjoy, that I have to do it too because I'm stupid or foolish because I'm not the same as them. Its senior year all over again, fighting over prom. I knew that that wasn't who I was, but I just kept getting told how I had to go. I mean, it wasn't hard for me to realise I didn't belong there, but so many other people were so difficult about it. How I was wrong for not liking crowd situations like that, wrong for not wanting to dance, wrong for not liking the music, wrong for not having a great time even though I knew hardly anyone and friends turned their backs on me that night. Wrong for saying that I didn't enjoy prom because of course I really did have fun and i was just being stubborn.
I've always tried to live my life without criticising people much for who they are. Sure, I tease about things that aren't critical parts of them, or don't involve criticising who they are as a person (example....that Bryan is Korean) but that's not the same as attacking someone's interests. I mean, the only thing of that nature I do is my attacks on stupidity, ignorance, and illogical patterns of thought, but thats different than getting on someone's case for having different tastes than me. Every time it comes up, its always how i'm weird, or stupid, or no fun because I don't look at life the way they do. That i don't agree with them fully on what's fun and what isn't. It's amazing how many times I've gotten criticised because I say not that something is dumb, or boring, but because its just not my thing. I mean, I'm saying essentially that its not my thing, but theres nothing wrong with it being yours, but still I just get attacked for that. Its like all I'm being told is that I have to live my life the way they want me to, I have to like the things they tell me to, I have to do the things that they think I should. It's not like I'm refusing things I know nothing about...its things I've tried or been exposed to and just didn't care for. I made my choice, and that should be a personal one. I shouldn't have to deal with people telling me that I'm wrong in saying what I do or don't like.
I don't understand why it's such a hard request to just want to live my own life the way I see fit. To pursue what I want, and only that, and not be forced to lead my life according the priorities of others. Then again, that's maybe just my lot in life. To be kicked around, used and discarded, time and again like I have been in the past. Taken advantage of, then kicked to the curb when there's nothing left of me to take. It's no wonder that I'm paranoid. Or rather, its not really paranoia if everyone really is out to get you, is it? How many times have I had fears that I've convinced myself to ignore only to have them proved right? Too many times. How many times have I been stabbed in the back, or betrayed, or lied to, or misled? More than it should have happened.
What does it mean in my life when I've got past questioning, and I just outright assume that everyone that I associate is using me for something? That I don't have any value as a person, that I'm only a means to an end? Its not like this is the fun way to think. I want to be trusting, I want to feel like people talk to me for who I am. But then I look back at my life, and that just seems like I'm being a fool. That girl that talks to me in my chem lecture? She only does it because I can help her on the labs. The person I talked to in high school? That one only talked to me because they could get a ride sometimes from my mom. The person that calls me up on occasion? Only calls when there's a need for tech support. I look at this all, and then I look back on the times that I've given the benefit of the doubt, and then where that's gotten me. It only ever seems to cause me pain in the end.
But that seems to be my thing. It's like all I'm ever doing is destroying myself. Mentally its been happening for years. Physically it's had its ups and downs. There's a weird feeling when you beat yourself hard enough you worry what will happen if you actually knock yourself out. When you're tired of hurting inside, so with no direction to go, you batter yourself on the outside. It was the sort of thing I never talked about. Maybe because it was the only thing I could do that was under my own control fully. I guess thats why I considered suicide so much back then. I wanted my life. Yeah, it was going to be taking my life, but I'd be taking it back for me. I couldn't live my life the way I wanted, but at least I could end it the way I wanted. And perhaps what's most interesting is...I hid that away. I worked hard to not be one of those people that'd run around, "Oh please I'm going to kill myself, give me attention and tell me how wonderful I am." Instead I spent I don't know how many nights sitting in the dark late at night in my kitchen, just looking at my reflection in the blade of a knife. Wondering what it would feel like, wondering if i should just cut myself free of all the restrictions that kept getting put on me. And its more interesting to see that I'm having to fight now to stop that from returning. Its in some sense scary knowing that I don't know what I'll end up doing if I stand by as my life is taken control of again. I fought so hard to be able to live my life for me, and I don't want to lose that. I can't lose that. Because if that happens again, I wonder if I'll be able to sustain myself or if I'll just revert. Go back to beating and abusing myself when no one is looking. Go back to long nights wondering if there's any reason to see the morning. Go back to the darkest thoughts, the darkest feelings I've ever had.
I don't want those shadows I've struggled to free myself from to envelop me again, because if they do, I may never again see the light.
7/08/2004
Alright, various things to discuss and cover.
First of all, thanks to Liz I'm now hooked on a second game, Legend of the Green Dragon. Its one of those games where like, its really all text, but its another online thing...basic premise...earn levels, kill the dragon, gain a rank, do it again. Its really fun though and good way to spend/kill time. In like....not that many days i've killed the dragon twice, and i think i'll be killing it again tonight. Oh how i rule. Anyways, check it out. Here's a link. get to level 4 after going through this link and i get stuff
Now then, logical transition is to cover Gunbound, the other game I'm still hooked on. I finally got up to metal axe yesterday, so that was good. Played some Aduka only games that were difficult to get started...and then today had a game get so lagged up we talked politics for like...20 minutes or something. Was cool though in that sense. Granted there was the one guy that was an idiot, but aside from him it was good.
Tuesday I went down to CSUN to see about some registration numbers for classes I can't get into. I drive all the way down there, pay for parking, and then find out that the person I need to talk to because I'm a physics major and not just someone that needs to take a physics class was busy teaching. So I drove there and back for nothing. And based on that I do ahve one important comment to make. If you are driving and the end of your car is even with the middle of another car, you can't not signal and then try to change lanes into that lane. It doesn't work, and you deserve to be dragged out and shot. To the guy that did this and nearly hit me till I sorta swerved and he finally realised I was there....you are whats wrong with America.
This really covers all I've been up to...just aim and games. It's a routine, but its a nice one. Tends to be very relaxing. Especially moreso than all the running around and being out that I had to do during the school year. Though, I should probably get something planned about watching Bowling for Columbine with Bryan at some point, since I would like the chance for the whole, social offline interaction thing.
First of all, thanks to Liz I'm now hooked on a second game, Legend of the Green Dragon. Its one of those games where like, its really all text, but its another online thing...basic premise...earn levels, kill the dragon, gain a rank, do it again. Its really fun though and good way to spend/kill time. In like....not that many days i've killed the dragon twice, and i think i'll be killing it again tonight. Oh how i rule. Anyways, check it out. Here's a link. get to level 4 after going through this link and i get stuff
Now then, logical transition is to cover Gunbound, the other game I'm still hooked on. I finally got up to metal axe yesterday, so that was good. Played some Aduka only games that were difficult to get started...and then today had a game get so lagged up we talked politics for like...20 minutes or something. Was cool though in that sense. Granted there was the one guy that was an idiot, but aside from him it was good.
Tuesday I went down to CSUN to see about some registration numbers for classes I can't get into. I drive all the way down there, pay for parking, and then find out that the person I need to talk to because I'm a physics major and not just someone that needs to take a physics class was busy teaching. So I drove there and back for nothing. And based on that I do ahve one important comment to make. If you are driving and the end of your car is even with the middle of another car, you can't not signal and then try to change lanes into that lane. It doesn't work, and you deserve to be dragged out and shot. To the guy that did this and nearly hit me till I sorta swerved and he finally realised I was there....you are whats wrong with America.
This really covers all I've been up to...just aim and games. It's a routine, but its a nice one. Tends to be very relaxing. Especially moreso than all the running around and being out that I had to do during the school year. Though, I should probably get something planned about watching Bowling for Columbine with Bryan at some point, since I would like the chance for the whole, social offline interaction thing.
7/05/2004
so its the day after the 4th of July, so I probably should cover that whole 'thing'. there was a parade...that i didn't go to. its sort of a waste of time for me. just doesn't hold any interest. so i stayed home while my family went and tom was in it.
this year was pretty unique just in that there was nonstop fireworks we could hear going off. like, normally you hear them occasionally, but this year it was constant. theres something ironic how the way the 4th of July is celebrated by widespread law breaking since all forms of fireworks are illegal in L.A. county. fire issue, i believe.
so a little before 9 i left to get to chris' and i'm surprised i made it there alive. things were going off everywhere. i actually had a firework of some sort fly over my jeep while i was driving. i also got stuck having to wait for this fountain that seemed to go for like 4 or 5 minutes that was in the middle of the street. it was also being attacked by a dog, which made things interesting. now, it wasn't being bitten or anything....but the dog was like....3 inches away from it at points. then it would change what it was doing, and so the dog was just circling and barking and jumping and stuff. rather humorous, but meant i couldn't pass because the dog was all over the street. also were just a lot more spots with fireworks than there normally is.
get to chris' and get eating, which was good cuz i was hungry. had corn on the cob, a burger, and a hotlink...and some chips. it was good food. then other people started showing up. bryan i think was first. then jennie and kristal, who brought jennie's sister and jen roberts with them. then when we were out for fireworks jeremy showed up....then karl showed up later still.
during the fireworks i decided to see what i could get picturewise, so i set up my tripod and had my regular camera on that while i turned the digital over to bryan. did mean i was seperate from what was going on from the rest of the group since they were off in a different spot talking and all...but that also felt more natural. we'll see how the pictures on film went....the digital's ones came out alright and will be put up shortly.
so after this....the alcohol entered the fun. its the first time i've ever been at a social gathering where there's underage drinking and all that. i steered clear of it, but i did like that no one at any point bugged me about not touching it. couple times suggested i have some or try it....but nothing persistant, which was nice. there was some halo playing....chris' brother still slaughtered. and then some sort of strange drinking game i watched...and then some poker. i spent most of the time just sitting watching stuff rather than being involved...but thats my style. oh, that and taking incriminating pictures. those will show up later as well.
i attempted to leave at 12:30...but Jenn R. told me not to...which worked. so i ended up getting home a bit after 1:30, getting to sleep after bout an hour after that....and then up at 8:30 following day. and then here we are now.
this year was pretty unique just in that there was nonstop fireworks we could hear going off. like, normally you hear them occasionally, but this year it was constant. theres something ironic how the way the 4th of July is celebrated by widespread law breaking since all forms of fireworks are illegal in L.A. county. fire issue, i believe.
so a little before 9 i left to get to chris' and i'm surprised i made it there alive. things were going off everywhere. i actually had a firework of some sort fly over my jeep while i was driving. i also got stuck having to wait for this fountain that seemed to go for like 4 or 5 minutes that was in the middle of the street. it was also being attacked by a dog, which made things interesting. now, it wasn't being bitten or anything....but the dog was like....3 inches away from it at points. then it would change what it was doing, and so the dog was just circling and barking and jumping and stuff. rather humorous, but meant i couldn't pass because the dog was all over the street. also were just a lot more spots with fireworks than there normally is.
get to chris' and get eating, which was good cuz i was hungry. had corn on the cob, a burger, and a hotlink...and some chips. it was good food. then other people started showing up. bryan i think was first. then jennie and kristal, who brought jennie's sister and jen roberts with them. then when we were out for fireworks jeremy showed up....then karl showed up later still.
during the fireworks i decided to see what i could get picturewise, so i set up my tripod and had my regular camera on that while i turned the digital over to bryan. did mean i was seperate from what was going on from the rest of the group since they were off in a different spot talking and all...but that also felt more natural. we'll see how the pictures on film went....the digital's ones came out alright and will be put up shortly.
so after this....the alcohol entered the fun. its the first time i've ever been at a social gathering where there's underage drinking and all that. i steered clear of it, but i did like that no one at any point bugged me about not touching it. couple times suggested i have some or try it....but nothing persistant, which was nice. there was some halo playing....chris' brother still slaughtered. and then some sort of strange drinking game i watched...and then some poker. i spent most of the time just sitting watching stuff rather than being involved...but thats my style. oh, that and taking incriminating pictures. those will show up later as well.
i attempted to leave at 12:30...but Jenn R. told me not to...which worked. so i ended up getting home a bit after 1:30, getting to sleep after bout an hour after that....and then up at 8:30 following day. and then here we are now.
7/03/2004
today was a good, good day.
well, or rather just a good good thing happened today. my star wars collector's glasses have arrived. this rules. it was like christmas and my birthday put together, first opening the packaging, then digging them all out, then unwraping them all.
so, heres how they look.
well, or rather just a good good thing happened today. my star wars collector's glasses have arrived. this rules. it was like christmas and my birthday put together, first opening the packaging, then digging them all out, then unwraping them all.
so, heres how they look.
7/02/2004
So....first things first, time to solve the mystery of the jeep on my lawn.
For those of you not in the know, the entire area around my house was a tow away zone yesterday. So, the night before, i was gonna move it up next to chris'. As i was on my way out, my dad commented how that day someone down the street had driven their car just off their driveway onto their lawn, and said how we could probably do that too. Several pieces of lumber later, i'd driven my jeep up a 4by4 and 2by6 and come to rest in the middle of our lawn. when tom came home later that night, he was very confused by it, and this led to the idea of seeing what'd happen if i accused people of it. having had my fun, i now clarify just how it got there.
And now for something completely different:
Doggy-Style
What Sexual Position Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
For those of you not in the know, the entire area around my house was a tow away zone yesterday. So, the night before, i was gonna move it up next to chris'. As i was on my way out, my dad commented how that day someone down the street had driven their car just off their driveway onto their lawn, and said how we could probably do that too. Several pieces of lumber later, i'd driven my jeep up a 4by4 and 2by6 and come to rest in the middle of our lawn. when tom came home later that night, he was very confused by it, and this led to the idea of seeing what'd happen if i accused people of it. having had my fun, i now clarify just how it got there.
And now for something completely different:
Doggy-Style
What Sexual Position Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
