3/31/2004
yeah, i've already posted once today, but oh well...the last one was just a summary of things i've done, this post is going to go the more emotional route, so to speak.
i've decided that i officially really really hate good byes. i mean....there are two kinds, those that are because something is just going, and you have to (like when someone leaves your house) and those that are forced, not because you want to, but because its forced upon you. its the latter that bug me. so, in the same framework, i've just finished doing what i felt i needed to do to properly say good bye to hopes and dreams, and to some of the strongest emotions i've ever felt. its not that they are gone, they're still with me, its just that from here on out, i have to pretend like they don't at least somewhat. which is going to be really hard to do, but the alternatives are worse.
my feelings for sam are really obvious to anyone thats managed to find this, i think....but, now....now i have to pretend that i don't have those feelings for her and just ignore them in the hopes that i can one day actually just get to talk to her as a friend and not have her ignore me or just spend the whole time trying to figure out how to get out of talking to me with excuses somehow. losing my relationship with her hurts, especially after two and a half years.....but, losing her as a friend hurts so much more. and its entirly my fault that i have because i've taken so long to finally control my emotions, figure out what i had to do to say good bye to them.
i just wish fate could've lightened up on me.......i mean, i'd decided to do something for her back at the beginning of the month and the whole thing was that she'd enjoy it, but that it'd be set for her to think that it was from someone else. oh how that went wrong. instead, it reached her only annonymously, and so she ended up figuring it was from me, which i didn't want to happen. i didn't want it tainted by her knowing that i'd sent it to her, but it became tainted nonetheless. at least taht could've worked out, but oh well.
i've decided that i officially really really hate good byes. i mean....there are two kinds, those that are because something is just going, and you have to (like when someone leaves your house) and those that are forced, not because you want to, but because its forced upon you. its the latter that bug me. so, in the same framework, i've just finished doing what i felt i needed to do to properly say good bye to hopes and dreams, and to some of the strongest emotions i've ever felt. its not that they are gone, they're still with me, its just that from here on out, i have to pretend like they don't at least somewhat. which is going to be really hard to do, but the alternatives are worse.
my feelings for sam are really obvious to anyone thats managed to find this, i think....but, now....now i have to pretend that i don't have those feelings for her and just ignore them in the hopes that i can one day actually just get to talk to her as a friend and not have her ignore me or just spend the whole time trying to figure out how to get out of talking to me with excuses somehow. losing my relationship with her hurts, especially after two and a half years.....but, losing her as a friend hurts so much more. and its entirly my fault that i have because i've taken so long to finally control my emotions, figure out what i had to do to say good bye to them.
i just wish fate could've lightened up on me.......i mean, i'd decided to do something for her back at the beginning of the month and the whole thing was that she'd enjoy it, but that it'd be set for her to think that it was from someone else. oh how that went wrong. instead, it reached her only annonymously, and so she ended up figuring it was from me, which i didn't want to happen. i didn't want it tainted by her knowing that i'd sent it to her, but it became tainted nonetheless. at least taht could've worked out, but oh well.
raise your hand if you'd heard of cesar chavez day? i thought so......well, apparently it exists to the point that csun gave me the day off, so thats the important thing, really.
so it meant that rather than waking up at 6:30 as i normally would have, i woke up at 8:30.....i hate nightmares.....
anyways, so about 9 my mom calls me and tells me i have to go down to the elementary school to volunteer with setting up their project fair. thats right, i was told i had to volunteer. so i spent from 9:30 till 12 down there setting stuff up....and it was slow work. i really wish i hadn't let myself get roped into it, but i don't think I had a choice, either. so i got home, spent the rest of the day, well, till now at least, online staring as no one talked to me. ok, well, maybe that was only part of it...there were some people occasionally. yay for some people. and i've now watched everything on my new python dvds, so thats further progress, though not really productive.
and so now in about 10 minutes i'm off to work for an hour with more tutoring.....good money, i just got no need for it....and then homework. yay.
well, such is the state of things
so it meant that rather than waking up at 6:30 as i normally would have, i woke up at 8:30.....i hate nightmares.....
anyways, so about 9 my mom calls me and tells me i have to go down to the elementary school to volunteer with setting up their project fair. thats right, i was told i had to volunteer. so i spent from 9:30 till 12 down there setting stuff up....and it was slow work. i really wish i hadn't let myself get roped into it, but i don't think I had a choice, either. so i got home, spent the rest of the day, well, till now at least, online staring as no one talked to me. ok, well, maybe that was only part of it...there were some people occasionally. yay for some people. and i've now watched everything on my new python dvds, so thats further progress, though not really productive.
and so now in about 10 minutes i'm off to work for an hour with more tutoring.....good money, i just got no need for it....and then homework. yay.
well, such is the state of things
3/30/2004
well....i've decided to feature the following bash quote, just because i can:
[_kr4m3r] so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
[foniks`] heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
[foniks`] and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
[foniks`] whatd u think they'd say?
[FoSZoR[bg]] something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
anyways....as for my actual post for the day.....well, i've officially reached what could be the end, so theres a bummer.....though on the plus side....yeah.
[_kr4m3r] so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
[foniks`] heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
[foniks`] and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
[foniks`] whatd u think they'd say?
[FoSZoR[bg]] something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
anyways....as for my actual post for the day.....well, i've officially reached what could be the end, so theres a bummer.....though on the plus side....yeah.
3/29/2004
today feels so down.....i mean, i guess i just miss talking to the people that mean most to me. i suppose its that...well, back at woohu i'd said it wasn't applicable about anyone making me feel better.......but i think i was a bit off the mark with that. just a bit though.the way things are, i can't be made to feel entirly better perhaps......but i guess i didn't realise how big of an effect just getting to talk to some people had on me.....even then i didn't quite realise its full scope. but when its gone entirly, its so much more obvious how meaningful it is to talk to people that understand you, that you can tell understand you, how you think, how you feel, all of that.
3/28/2004
well.....so, my grandparents visited for a couple hours today. and my grandmother asked to see my pics of australia.......so i went and got them.....dang that hurt. just flat out....same old wounds still there. then we went to claim jumpers..... i don't know why i even go out for meals anymore, i've got like no appetite these days, but well, whats a person to do.
tomorrow gets to be a nice long day of school and work so of course that'll also be fun. yay.
tomorrow gets to be a nice long day of school and work so of course that'll also be fun. yay.
so, my grandparents anniversary party was last night.....and i've learned some important things......never drive to lax, becuase its really far, traffic is really bad, and its really depressing. i also learned that my aunt and uncle live all of 5 minutes from lax, which i just outright did not know. suppose thats convienient.
my little video project seemed to go over well, so that was good....and of course, that i drive was taken advantage of, so i had to pick up the food.
to skip back a bit....friday night was a best buy run....all these fun new modifications. so, i just had to buy blank cds, so i figured i wouldn't spend any other money. but i was wrong. i ended up buying two dvds....."monty python live!" and "moulin rouge". how the heck did i let that one happen? oh right....its tim's fault
and of course, my life continues to be filled with me taking risks.....probably not going to get me anywhere.....but then again, one has to try.
my little video project seemed to go over well, so that was good....and of course, that i drive was taken advantage of, so i had to pick up the food.
to skip back a bit....friday night was a best buy run....all these fun new modifications. so, i just had to buy blank cds, so i figured i wouldn't spend any other money. but i was wrong. i ended up buying two dvds....."monty python live!" and "moulin rouge". how the heck did i let that one happen? oh right....its tim's fault
and of course, my life continues to be filled with me taking risks.....probably not going to get me anywhere.....but then again, one has to try.
3/25/2004
well, first off....since i'm trying to figure out if people are even aware of this new location.......post something if you've followed me across the jump to here.
second, i've decided to begin an occasional installment i like to call culture clash. this is where i take two concepts in two different cultures that go together and clash either humorously, or just fit together ironicly well. today's installment will be the cultures of america, and sydney australia.
In sydney, theres a place called the gap. its a cliffside where sydney harbour or bay or whatever it is opens up to the pacific ocean. it looks really cool.....and its also a place people go to kill themselves from time to time. so, to quote a little bit of good ol' american culture, "fall into the gap."
(for those not familiar with that bit...which is theoretically possible, the gap is a clothing store that used that as a slogan or jingle or whatnot for a while)
second, i've decided to begin an occasional installment i like to call culture clash. this is where i take two concepts in two different cultures that go together and clash either humorously, or just fit together ironicly well. today's installment will be the cultures of america, and sydney australia.
In sydney, theres a place called the gap. its a cliffside where sydney harbour or bay or whatever it is opens up to the pacific ocean. it looks really cool.....and its also a place people go to kill themselves from time to time. so, to quote a little bit of good ol' american culture, "fall into the gap."
(for those not familiar with that bit...which is theoretically possible, the gap is a clothing store that used that as a slogan or jingle or whatnot for a while)
3/24/2004
well....my last entry, i forgot the main thing i was gonna include. which is....tom has now not only gone to new york city, he came home (yeah, we're all sorta depressed about the latter). though, he brought me a lighter that says new york and has a girl that lights up. like thats totally my thing.
but fire is fire.
lets see....nothing really neat over the past 4 days......wait.....3 days. lot of school, lot of work, so i've been really busy. i spent an hour talking star wars waiting for a chem lab though....and that wasn't meaning that i just talked with myself like last time either. nothing cooler than just talking the politics of star wars and stuff.
FUEGO!!
and then......hmm, spring break just two weeks away, or more like a week and a half. i'm so totally doing nothing for it though. sad? perhaps? just like me? definitly. oh, and next wednesday is ceasar chavez day.....anyone else ever had this off for anything? csun doesn't have classes then, so its wierd. thats what i get for going to csun....no presidents day off, but i get ceasar chavez day off in the middle of a week. helpful. though, it does remind me that two or three years ago i did a story about it for journalism. it was probably cut. like everything else i did.
other than that all....i'm so tired...and i have a cold. life, don't talk to me about life.
but fire is fire.
lets see....nothing really neat over the past 4 days......wait.....3 days. lot of school, lot of work, so i've been really busy. i spent an hour talking star wars waiting for a chem lab though....and that wasn't meaning that i just talked with myself like last time either. nothing cooler than just talking the politics of star wars and stuff.
FUEGO!!
and then......hmm, spring break just two weeks away, or more like a week and a half. i'm so totally doing nothing for it though. sad? perhaps? just like me? definitly. oh, and next wednesday is ceasar chavez day.....anyone else ever had this off for anything? csun doesn't have classes then, so its wierd. thats what i get for going to csun....no presidents day off, but i get ceasar chavez day off in the middle of a week. helpful. though, it does remind me that two or three years ago i did a story about it for journalism. it was probably cut. like everything else i did.
other than that all....i'm so tired...and i have a cold. life, don't talk to me about life.
3/23/2004
ok....first thing is, looks like i've got the basics going, namely, the tagboard and the comments. oh, and the posts. those are sort of a basic thing too.
well, i'll probably be switching over shortly in full, but here goes my first real entry, so to speak. i figure i'll recap the weekend.
soo.....lets see, friday.....i don't remember anymore. i think i just did the first of five videos for my grandparents that day, and tried to talk to sam. lets explain now.......my grandparents are going to be celebrating their 50th anniversary this upcomign weekend. as part of the whole big deal, my mom came up with the idea of me putting a bunch of pics to 5 songs.....which is a heck of a lot of work to volunteer me for, but hey, its for a good cause. those of you that saw or heard of the paul's garden project, its the same sort of deal. so.....the first one i did was to the song time in a bottle. saturday, i went to sleep at 5 in the morning, then when i woke up, spent all day wokring on the video projects, finishing them for the songs "then they do" and "when i'm 64". and there was a slurpee run. i won a song off of itunes. go me. anyways, sunday i got the one for "what a wonderful world" done. so thats 4 of them. though sunday was bad for two main reasons....one, i got a call to tutor at like 4....and the other was that i was up so late that sunrise made it difficult to get to sleep.
anyways, so i got my homework done enough for monday....got through monday......and i worked three hours of tutoring tonight. this week might turn out very profittable. ideally, i may break 300 for the week. which will be cool....since, you know....i like money, even though i got nothing to do with it anymore. i'll officially say now....anyone that intends to comment saying that i could give them the money instead......go spam bryan's journal instead or something.
so, its late now....and of course i'm not going to school on a tuesday.....thats time i could be sleeping, and then i'm gonna finish up the final video for some song i cant even remember atm. should take a couple hours, but then i'm done.
shhhh though....don't tell my grandparents.
and so tuesday will be another long day, but oh well...least by the end of it, i'll be up another 75 or so, and every dollar counts. well, actually, not really....but never know when money will be helpful. it tends to be like that.
and so now, i better get to sleep for a good.....maybe 6 hours of sleep
night all
well, i'll probably be switching over shortly in full, but here goes my first real entry, so to speak. i figure i'll recap the weekend.
soo.....lets see, friday.....i don't remember anymore. i think i just did the first of five videos for my grandparents that day, and tried to talk to sam. lets explain now.......my grandparents are going to be celebrating their 50th anniversary this upcomign weekend. as part of the whole big deal, my mom came up with the idea of me putting a bunch of pics to 5 songs.....which is a heck of a lot of work to volunteer me for, but hey, its for a good cause. those of you that saw or heard of the paul's garden project, its the same sort of deal. so.....the first one i did was to the song time in a bottle. saturday, i went to sleep at 5 in the morning, then when i woke up, spent all day wokring on the video projects, finishing them for the songs "then they do" and "when i'm 64". and there was a slurpee run. i won a song off of itunes. go me. anyways, sunday i got the one for "what a wonderful world" done. so thats 4 of them. though sunday was bad for two main reasons....one, i got a call to tutor at like 4....and the other was that i was up so late that sunrise made it difficult to get to sleep.
anyways, so i got my homework done enough for monday....got through monday......and i worked three hours of tutoring tonight. this week might turn out very profittable. ideally, i may break 300 for the week. which will be cool....since, you know....i like money, even though i got nothing to do with it anymore. i'll officially say now....anyone that intends to comment saying that i could give them the money instead......go spam bryan's journal instead or something.
so, its late now....and of course i'm not going to school on a tuesday.....thats time i could be sleeping, and then i'm gonna finish up the final video for some song i cant even remember atm. should take a couple hours, but then i'm done.
shhhh though....don't tell my grandparents.
and so tuesday will be another long day, but oh well...least by the end of it, i'll be up another 75 or so, and every dollar counts. well, actually, not really....but never know when money will be helpful. it tends to be like that.
and so now, i better get to sleep for a good.....maybe 6 hours of sleep
night all
this is another testing thing to see if i made thigns work
3/13/2004
well.....this will be a quick intro test post thing....since this is the first one and all. any real info will be in the second one.
